an 'innocent' text message

For Diwali/New Years, I sent out a text to all of my family/friends, wishing them a Happy Diwali/New Year.  I was trying to be smart about the entire thing and didn't want people to realize that I was sending out a mass text.

As a result, I sent out a text that was generic, but signed "Love you!".  Without thinking, I ended up sending it not only family and friends, but Carl and Steve (if you don't remember Steve, see 'The Bed').  Steve knows me well enough to know that I probably sent a mass text out.  Carl, on the other hand, does not.

And so the reply came, Happy Diwali to you and your family, too! xoxoxoxo

So much for telling Carl I just want to be friends!!  #planfail.

Bowling with Carl.... 'bowling with Carl!'

Carl ended up being my only mutual match from the night that I cared to follow up with.  There was one other, who I ended up giving a ride home to as he lived five minutes away.  But the 30-minute drive home was enough of a follow up to let us both know that things wouldn't have gotten very far.

I was nicely surprised by Carl's timely follow up of wanting to meet again.  He offered several fun suggestions for a date.  I appreciated his effort and originality...in my head, it was how guys were supposed to act, but very few actually did.  He made the effort; he pursued.  It was a nice change.

One of Carl's suggestions was bowling.  He was charming, lovely, kind and quite the bowler!  However, I didn't really have an attraction to him.  Over a late dinner after bowling, we discussed our backgrounds and interests and Carl is a very laid back person.  I felt that any spark that could've been was being lost during our discussion.  And there was absolutely nothing wrong with him; our personalities were just different.  While we could be good friends, I didn't see any future potential in a relationship with him.

We met up once more for a movie, but still no spark for me.  Plus, it didn't help that I still had Talking Carl stuck in my head!!  I'd have to figure out how to tell him that I just wanted to be friends...

Premium Membership Expired

It's official.  My shaadi.com premium membership has expired.... again.  This time, however, I am not going to renew it.  In the last number of years, I have found a reason to pay the stupid subscription fee in order to 'communicate' with other members...it's usually been my own coaxing 'maybe if I just stick it out I'll find someone', or whether some guy has actually caught my attention and I feel the need to pay the ridiculous amount just to send him a message.

Well, no more.

I've met enough creepy guys on shaadi.com and not enough fabulous boys on eHarmony to finally give the online dating scene the curb-side checkout!  It's quick and easy, but for me, not very effective.  I may one day come back to it, but for now, I am happy to bid the online world adieu and see what the real world has to offer! :)

Speed Dating

I ended up at not just one, but two speed dating events last week.  The first was a Hindu Speed Dating event promoted by shaadi.com.

As usual, I was cutting it close in terms of timing.  I had a squash match at 5pm (in Mississauga) and Speed Dating started at 730pm, in Little Italy, about 45 minutes away.  By the time I played and showered, I had exactly 48 minutes to get there and find parking.  I didn't account for construction through downtown, which meant that I arrived about 10 minutes late.  Oops!  Thankfully, they hadn't started yet!

I had no clue what to expect.  I had always heard about speed dating and imagined sitting across from 14 guys, having the same, repeated conversation separated by the sound of desk bell.  Ping!  Well, that's pretty much exactly what it was...except for the repeated conversation.

I was actually surprised to find that I ended up having at least 10 unique conversations where everyone tried to ask something different.  Okay, the basics were repeated, but either I, or the person sitting across from me, was able to steer the conversation in a new, unchartered direction.

We had eight minutes to learn more about the other person.  It was advised that we keep notes so that we could remember everyone at the end.  This didn't prove necessary as I met some pretty interesting characters.

The first 'date' I had was with a guy who was 31 and lived in the city.  He was new to speed dating as was I.  Small talk for the first four minutes, but then he asked "so, what are you supposed to ask the other person during the eight minutes?".  I wasn't sure what to answer so fumbled a bit as he chimed in and said "well, I googled it before I came and now have a list of questions we can go through".  Intrigued, I asked what he had found.  He took his phone out from his pocked and showed me the google search results!

The eight date was with a fairly inebriated man who quickly determined that I am Gujarati.  "So, what do Guju's look for?", he asked.  It required a lot of composure on my part not to answer "someone who isn't completely drunk at speed dating!".

Then, I met Carl.  He was my last date.  I had only one person I was interested in up until that point, and while I was quite amused by the people I had met, I was slightly disappointed with the overall result of the evening.  Carl seemed like a nice guy but for anyone who has heard of the iPhone app "Talking Carl", it's all I could think of.  Unfortunately, Talking Carl was all I could think about.  Everytime Carl would say something, the higher pitched echo would ring through my head.  It was slightly amusing to me and highly unfair to the person sitting across from me.

I decided to give Carl a second chance (and hopefully allow for my maturity to kick in) and ticked 'yes'.

Unfortunately, the second speed dating event was a complete flop with many of the guys quite a few years younger than me.

nothing ventured, nothing gained...

As I have been traveling a lot lately, 'boy news' has been kept to a minimum... but there are some funny highlights, of course!

I eventually was able to reply to Vivek's email.  It was about ten days after he sent me his pictures that I wrote a generic non-picture-referencing email back to him.  It was only a few lines long (I was swamped and replying to about 50 overdue emails...plus, I had lost interest in him).  In turn, he replied with a full length email, even attaching his latest clips of music that he had created (and asking for my opinion)!  I have yet to craft a response back because I don't want to lie and say I loved the music (it was a background beat with a few notes overtop that repeated themselves every couple of bars).  I have never met this guy and yet have been asked (by him) to give an opinion on something he's spent a few days putting together?  I could write another email avoiding it all??  Or I could let it go for another few days and hope that my delay in responding is a hint? Or I could just fully admit that I wasn't a big fan and maybe soften it with 'it's not really my genre of music'?  Awkward situations that shouldn't even exist considering I've never actually met Vivek.......

On another note, Indian/South Asian speed dating has become a growing craze in the last while.  I've noticed that shaadi.com has been organizing a few and now another one has popped up (two mangoes)!  So, I signed up for my first South Asian speed dating with Two Mangoes... I have never speed dated in my life and am going for the experience (and likely a good laugh).

As I woke up this morning, I had an invite from a shaadi.com speed dating event that is happening on Wednesday (in two days)... well...nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

now what?

In my post 'desperation', I talk about the email setup to a guy who is barely my height.  In line with keeping an open mind and not trying to eliminate men from the potential dating pool because they are genetically deficient in the height gene, I continued to email him.

Vivek sounded interesting.  He seemed to also lack a general sense of geography, but otherwise, he seemed nice.  I was excited to see that, unlike many guys out there, he was using full words - 'you' instead of 'u' and 'want to' instead of 'wanna', etc.  It was a nice change.

I had spoken to soon.

Soon, the punctuation and capitalization of letters had been lost.  'You' became 'u'.  Sentences became linked with '...' rather than kept as separate sentences.

I would have to get over it and not be so ridiculous.  He'd admitted several times to being lazy, so I could just excuse the lack of proper English on his laziness.

And then I did the unthinkable.  I asked for a picture.  I should have learned from the past - you don't ask a guy that you have a decent email conversation with for his picture!  It never ever works out.  Either they are good looking and completely idiots, or they are able to somewhat carry an intellectual conversation and are just not your type!

I'll be quite honest - Vivek is not bad looking.  He's just not a guy that I would have taken a second glance at on the street!  It's nothing against him - he's just not my type...

Now what do I write back?  We've done the picture exchange and he liked my pictures.  How do I write back to him?  I know I'm vain to the point where I believe that there must be some physical attraction and I see none in Vivek.

I feel terrible and I'm torn on how to proceed...sigh... I guess I'll keep you posted!

Desperation?

It all started with an innocent picnic.  My mom went to the annual Lohana picnic and met someone there who had a friend who is single, so she asked him to send an introductory email.  No problem.  Although she forgot to tell me about the encounter until after I received the email, it was a kind gesture for her to think of me and get the ball rolling.  She assured me that she mentioned that he should be 'tall'...

Within the first email exchange, I discovered the this guy is not tall and is barely the same height as me...oops!

This morning, she comes into my room and says "Anika, can you please send me a copy of your bio-data so that is  your aunt needs it, I've got it?".
"But, mom, I don't have a bio-data anymore....", I reply.
"Then put one together so that I have it on-hand", she quickly and calmly replies.

Minutes later, she's back up the stairs and comes into my room again...this time, holding the most recent copy of the Times of India (Canadian version).

"You should check out some of these - there's a Gujurati boy who is 6'1"...might be worth sending your bio-data..."

I am tempted to ask her whether the bio-data she requested was really for my aunt or for the matrimonial ads in the paper, but I bite my tongue... has it really come to this - personal ads?

perspectives

Apologies for the delay - I was away climbing a mountain in Africa... my family was going to Africa anyway and I love climbing mountains, so why not!  Plus, for me, climbing (and conquering) mountains often puts my life back into perspective for me.  It gives me the time to reflect and forces me to think about and sort out all of the crap that I tend to put to the back burner... this trip was no exception.

I had a lot of time to think about Joe and I.  I missed him and, truth be told, he is the only person I could have imagined myself with on that mountain.  I couldn't understand why after all this time, all these battles, all the chaos and crazyness of it all, he walked away from it.  Then, I realized, he'd been walking away for a long time... in fact, I am not even sure if he was really ever even...'there'!  I don't mean to sound dismissive about the fact that he truly loved me, but I think he was always just as hesitant as I was about marriage together.  It's not that we didn't love each other (and I would argue that we still do), but there was always something amiss about it all...

I had no doubt that we loved each other - we shared an amazing chemistry (that I'm still not sure we'd find elsewhere)...but we fought it.  But, we both fought it...it was as if we didn't want to fully admit it was all there...

It took him almost 7.5 years to actually ask me to move forward seriously; when he did, it was over the phone, just two weeks after the most amazing weekend we had shared.  When we discussed moving forward, it was always about his job that couldn't be moved and the fact that I would have to move to Singapore and move my career prospects.  When I booked a trip to go to Singapore, he couldn't take a single day off from work to be with me...and that was in the midst of all the chaos of fighting with my parents!

As hesitant as I always was about fighting my parents about Joe, I think he was just as hesitant.  Not because we didn't love each other or think that we'd make a great couple, but for the simple reason of the amount of chaos that would ensue if we did fight for what we believed.  Perhaps we were both just wanting to avoid mayhem.  Or, as I've eluded to in the past, perhaps it was just never meant to be - our timing was always off.  We were always ready to fight when the other wasn't.  (Although, having just spoken to him for the first time in months (a week after posting this originally), somehow we ended up briefly discussing this and he still thinks that he 'was ready to anything it took to make it work'... all talk, no action???)

Many people I know (many good friends) always said that we'd end up together.  But, Joe is engaged and moving on and I am not one to break up a relationship and be that selfish.  He is happy and I will continue to move on and be happy, myself...

The biggest question that I could not answer... would I be able to see past my own barriers and fall in love again?  Hiking on that mountain, there wasn't a single Indian person there (and there were hundreds).  Was I being realistic to only look at/date Indian people?  Yes, it was important to me, but I had never actually imagined myself dating or kissing a white guy!  Could I?  Could I get past it in my own head to actually have an open enough mind to date someone other than who I had pictured myself with all these years?

Standing at the top of Africa's tallest mountain (and the world's largest free-standing mountain), it made me remember that there is soooo much more to life.   I am a small speck in the grand scheme of the universe...

I was incredibly lucky to have found my soulmate and to have shared ten incredible years with him.  He was only one person, though.  I am lucky to be surrounded by many people who love me and it's time to get back into the world of building relationships, meeting people and moving forward.

Interest Received

I received an email today informing me that I received an interest from a member on shaadi.com.  So, I log in and check out who it might be.

I click on the member's name.  There, in front of me, appears a picture of himself, cropped in front of the Superman logo!  Interesting.  Seeing as I'm not interested already and I'm exhausted (and therefore have no patience to read his profile), I go to click on 'decline interest'.  As I move my cursor towards the box to select my response, I see that he's actually written me a message.  'Hmm....., let's see what he has to say'...

How are you? How is life? My name is Sarik and what is your name? I am interested in getting to know u. My email is xxxxx@yahoo.ca. I own my own business, I am very successful and I am the CEO, Chief Executive Officer of my own company. I am confident that it is now the time where I am finally ready for shaadi with the right person. I guarantee that I can make my future wife happier than anyone can make her In the universe. I can give her the most exciting, adventurous, loving, caring, fun and amazing marriage. What do u do 4 work and fun?

May I kindly have your ph# so we can have a decent, innocent, friendly, intelligent , fun and interesting get to know conversation?

Sarik XxxxCEO, Chief Executive Officer
xxxxxxx Technologies
Website 1 (Business Website):http://www.xxxxxxxx
Website 2 (Online Resume): http://www.xxxxxxx
Contact#:123-345-2345
MSN Contact: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
facebook name is Superxxxxx Knight


I have to give him credit for his confidence!

A clear lack of commitment

I was coming back from week-long holiday and had a 24-hour stopover in Vancouver.  I decided to have a lazy morning when the phone rang.  Without looking, I picked up.

The guy on the other end introduced himself as Sanjay and mentioned that we'd exchanged messages on shaadi.com awhile back and that he was sorry he hadn't gotten in touch sooner.  He had been inundated with paperwork and work (he has his own company) and was only just seeing the light of day.

We chatted for about an hour in which he made it clear that he was ready to settle down and find a wife.  He had been groomed well by his married friends and women in his life to nod and smile and agree with women to 'keep the peace'.  I politely disagreed and thought it was great when men stood up for themselves (as women should) and that there was nothing wrong with having healthy discussions or debates.

The rest of the hour was similar - he knew what he wanted and he would do his best to find it but knew that there had to be a lot of compromise and admittance of being wrong (because he was the man and men are dumb, apparently).   Interesting.  Keeping an open mind, there was nothing I'd lose (besides my time) of meeting this guy in person.  Maybe he's just nervous because it's the first time we're talking.  So, let's see what this guy has to say when we meet!  The conversation was funny and we had a good laugy, so why not give it a chance.  We set up a time and off we went.

This evening, I had the opportunity to talk to him again.  I called to set up a time to meet tomorrow.  We got talking...rather, he did most of the talking.  He clearly doesn't take sarcasm well (he was completely open to that and admitted that he doesn't understand it), which made things interesting for me.

He claimed to be religious (Hindu), but ate meat of every kind?  While I agree religion can be interpreted in a variety of ways, eating beef was clearly against the religion.  But, I let it go and he continued "well, there's no point in being judgemental."  I agreed.  He decided to continue with very little prompting, "people can be religious...for example, Hindu, but I didn't say they couldn't be bad Hindus!"  Religious, but bad religious... interesting.

As he went on about himself and what he was looking for and who he wanted to marry, I had little to say except to agree.  He finally stopped talking to ask me what I was looking for.

"Um...well, I'm trying not to set expectations and to keep an open mind about everyone.  I meet people to find out who they are and what they're about and do my best to do that without preconceived notions so that I am being fair to the person.  If there is common ground and we get along, then great, we can pursue something.  But, if it's clear that we don't have anything in common, we can move on without disappointment".  The last thing I wanted to do was tell this guy exactly what I wanted and for him to try and fit that mould.  Until now, everything sounded like a business deal - the way he described his future partner and how things could work and how he "would know in one month whether or not she's the girl for me".  And, it's not that I was lying - it is genuinely what I'm trying to do (it's just easier said than done).

"Well, I'm looking for someone who is more committed than that," he says.

"Oh - I'm not sure where you see the lack of commitment," I reply.

"Well, someone who doesn't have set criteria isn't likely looking for someone long-term or to settle down...and I'm not really up for casual dating," he says.

"Well, I think it's best if you give everyone a fair chance and get to know them.  Only then will you discover the true person and see if it works or not.  Going in with a lot of preconceived notions may mean that you miss something (good or bad)...but, I don't think that makes me any less commited to finding someone and settling down - good luck in your search".

That was that.  At least my 'lack of commitment' saved me some precious time tomorrow evening! :)

Midnight chats...

After quite some time, I logged onto shaadi.com chat.  I clearly didn't know what was in store for me.  It was the first time in awhile that I allowed the automatic chat login to stay 'online' - it was around midnight and I didn't think anyone would be online at that time.  Wrong.

Six people were logged in.  That doesn't seem high, but when more than half are on your 'accepted member' list, it seems abnormal.  Figuring I had nothing to lose, I chatted with two of them.

The first is 35 and lives in the US.  He wasn't very talkative to begin with, and when he did engage, it was a job interview...ugh.  I disengage from the chat quickly and move on.

The second, is a bit younger, 32, and also lives in the US.  He was quite flirtatious - a characteristics that always gets my guard up on first encounter.  However, I pursue the chat.  He assumes that I am a typical girl who gets excited about shoes and shopping.  I explain that I am far from a 'normal' Indian girl.  He clearly liked that.  He went on to describe the opposite of 'normal' to be 'weird' and that the 'weirder the girl, the better', because he, himself, was far from normal.

Just as I'm about to smile at his last comment, the next message pops up and it has to do with 'dressing up' and playing 'make believe'. EWW!  Really?  We clearly have very different definitions of 'normal' and 'weird'!!  I haven't even met the guy!  I don't even know his real name!  Is this what people talk about on dating website chat platforms?!

I suddenly became tired and logged off.

I had a message waiting for me the next morning, asking for my phone number and that perhaps we could get to know each other more over the phone or via text?
No, thanks! :)

Star light, star bright....

So many friends of mine have compared Joe and I to Ross and Rachel from Friends.  I guess if you just look at the drama of it all, it's a fair comparison.  We all know the ending to Friends, though...

Joe is in Europe as I write.  He's proposing to his girlfriend sometime this or next week.  After he told me, it took me a week to get over the crazy emotions that consumed me, but then I let go, and I was excited for him.  Heck, I even gave him tips on where he could propose since he wasn't sure and I'd been to the countries he would be traveling to.  He was my best friend, afterall.  We had grown together for ten years and could complete each others thoughts and sentences.  I knew what he found romantic and how he would want to propose and I gave him a few options of where he could do that in the foreign land he'd set foot on.

When he told me that he planned to get married in December, I was excited at the prospect that I would actually get to see him when he got married.  Not the case.  He made it clear that I wouldn't be invited to the wedding.  Understandable, I guess.  We have a long history.  His girlfriend might not be very happy with it...and maybe I wouldn't be either.  Heck, I'm sure I wouldn't be.  So, it's understandable.

So, I feel like we've gone from 'Ross and Rachel' to 'My Best Friend's Wedding', except that (on most days), I don't want to break up his wedding.  As tough a pill as it was (and sometimes still is) for me to swallow, he moved on (just as I had asked him to).  He found happiness in someone else and I can't do anything but be extremely happy for him!  And, I am.  Anything else would be a waste of my own energy (and fairly selfish).  I would have loved to be there for him on his big day, though.

On days like today, I miss him.  Not as much the relationship side of things, but the friendship.  The comfort without words, the laughter and smiles of inside jokes and the knowledge that he's there if I decide to pick up the phone and say nothing at all...

Tonight, the stars on my ceiling will have to do... :)

Murphy's Law

I don't know if other women find this or not, but whenever you find an awesome profile online, the picture that eventually follows is more often than not of someone who you don't find attractive.  I'm not saying that they aren't attractive in general, it's me who isn't attracted to them.

I try to keep an open mind and not be vain as I hate it when people judge me by the way I look.  So, I meet with people, get to know them... but for me, when the personality and looks don't mesh to give me an attractive package, I can't say I'm the best at hiding it.

The guy who I promised to keep an open mind about (the one who emailed and said that his mom had asked him to email, etc - see 'Mamma's Boy'), I did.  As much I could, anyway.  I wasn't his biggest fan - not just from the emails, but from his pictures.  I didn't find him incredibly attractive but reminded myself that not everyone's pictures are the same.

I emailed him mid-afternoon as I happened to be downtown and asked if he wanted to grab a coffee later in the evening.  I hadn't expected to stay downtown and apologized for the last-minute notice.  He altered some plans with friends and agreed to meet up.  And, he was nice - friendly, kind, interested in learning about me.  But, I had no attraction to him.  None.  Through the entire conversation, I tried to imagine us in a picture together, and I couldn't.  Sadly, I probably didn't hide it well, either.  It was just his chubby lower cheeks that threw me off - they kept catching my attention and not in a good way (I had to make a continued effort to make eye contact and not be mesmerized by the cheeks!).

I thanked him for the cranberry/soda, dropped him home and wished him a goodnight.

I feel so vain.  But where is the balance between physical attraction and personality?  Should they not both go together, providing an attractive combination?

Return of the 'dude'

So...the guy who texted me and called me 'babe'?  I didn't reply to him.

That didn't stop him...  "Hey Stranger", he wrote.

"Stranger is far more acceptable that 'babe'!  How's it going?"

"Are you serious?", he asked.  "I'm on a cho cho train", he continued.

What 30-year old writes that to someone he is supposed to be impressing?  I was with a colleague at the time and couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud.   As we both headed to the gate to catch our flight home, I wrote back "I'm on the fly fly plane!"

Broken Record

Whenever I meet someone new, aside from a very small selection of people, it feels like a broken record.   I'm not talking about the simple pleasantries that are exchanged when getting to know someone, or the standard questions of asking what you do, what you like, etc, but questions that I find relatively absurd.  Maybe I'm just in a snarky mood, but the two questions that I continue to hear over and over again (within the first 20 mins of a conversation), and that annoy me to no end:

1. Do you like to party? Do you go out at all?

(why does that matter, especially in the first 20 minutes of knowing me??)


2. So... how's the online dating thing working out for you?

(well...if it were working well, would I be sitting here talking to you?!)

Maybe it's their nerves.  Maybe it's just me being uber snarky this morning...

I'm bringin' sexy back....dude...

A boy on shaadi.com expressed interest in me.
He sounded alright, so I accepted.
After a brief message asking me to email him instead of using the website interface, this is the conversation that ensues:

"Hey u,

Im doing good, on the train heading home trying to decide what yo do when i get home.  To play ball or to golf or to run?  So i see yall canadians luv ur hockey and thats one sport i never got hooked on, maybe u can teach me :) 

5 hours later.....

I got hustled by some 21 year old kids, i feel like an old man.  So why did you move from the uk, life is much more peaceful there and pleasant according to the arcticles i have read in the past.  I was born in india came to chicago when i was five and we have settled within different parts of illinois ever since but currently reside in the west suburbs of chicago.  Do you have a gchat account i think its more efficient than composing an email 5 pages long :) it feels like that typing on this phone....lets catch up tomorrow...whats good with you at the moment?

Later gator"

***

"Hey - My vote would be to either play ball or run. Golf is boring.

We do 'luv' our hockey - can teach 'u' anytime! ;)

I moved back from the UK for a variety of reasons.  I miss it, and maybe one day I'll head back there!  Life is very slow there - it can be relatively frustrating once you're used to a faster pace.  And, it rains a lot (I'm not a big fan of the rain) and outdoor life in Canada is much better! :)

I don't have gchat - I have skype...you?

What's good with me at the moment? Lots!  Just planning my summer adventures and the Canucks just scored an amazing goal with 15 seconds left in the game and have won game 1 of the Finals!! :) Woooohooooo!!!!!!

Have a great evening...

a"

***

"hey...

Nice maybe we can start on the wii first then move to the real thing :)....I have heard of skype but never used it, i guess there is always time for a first or chat on the phone.  What adventures are you planning?  I'm actually a horrible planner and just go with the flow of life and most of the time hop on trips that other have planned :)...to be continued 

adios amigos"

***

I message him to say that 'wii' would be hilarious and wish his Mavericks well in their next game against the Heat.  He texts back:

"Hey u - got ur email - the last game was intense, hoping for another one tomorrow"

Having just finished watching the hockey game, I write back "Hey, sorry, was watching the Canucks win - yay! How's your weekend going?"

"I'd love to see you in your hockey gear - I bet you bring sexy back"

I try to ignore his last comment and tell him that I haven't played in years, and ask again about his weekend.  

"Good - going bowling", he writes.

"Nice - bowing is always a good laugh.  Are you going to bowl like Fred Flinstone?", I ask.

HIs response:

"I'm aight babe...ups and downs..."

First, what does 'ups and downs' have to do with anything?  Maybe he was responding to the question about his weekend?

More importantly, who in heavens are you calling 'babe'???  We've known each other for all of 3 email exchanges and you're telling me that I'll 'bring sexy back' and calling me 'babe'?

In his words: LMAO.

Next!

Keeping an eye out...

I'm back to the usual searches of shaadi.com and eHarmony to see what random people will be sent my way.  There are two profiles that were relatively intriguing.

The first was on shaadi.  No picture was attached to the profile so who knows what the guy looks like, but the profile that he wrote was one of the happiest profiles that I have ever read!  It was incredibly refreshing to read something that was light-hearted, happy and fun!  And, I shared that with him.  We'll see if he responds to my 'expressed interest'.

The second is on eHarmony.  The guy is HOT.  First time on the website that I've really looked at a guy and gone - wow, you are very good looking.  Again, his profile was genuine and down-to-earth.  It was light-hearted.  He made it clear that he felt that he wants to first be friends with whoever he marries, which is fine by me.  I am in no rush.  He travels, is into photography and volunteering and just seems like a nice guy.  So, I messaged him saying that being friends would be great and that I'd love to exchange travel stories, if he was interested.  I can see that he's viewed my profile, but no response yet.  We'll see!

There was a really cute guy at the gym, yesterday, too.  Oddly enough, he had the same shoes as me, too!  Normally I wouldn't even notice, but these are the barefoot running shoes (vibramfivefingers.com). They are amazingly comfortable shoes but he was the first person I've seen to wear them since I started to wear mine!  I didn't even have the guts to say hi...I kept him in my peripheral vision but I had already been working out for an hour and a half and needed to get going as I was meeting a friend for dinner.  Best I could do was go have a drink from the water fountain (about 3 feet from the treadmill he was on) after getting changed, before leaving the gym.  Perhaps next time we run into each other!

 I'm in no rush to find someone.  He will appear when I least expect it! :)

It's my life...it's now or never...

Exactly a week ago, I found out that Joe was getting ready to propose to his girlfriend of a few months.  He  seemed really happy with his new life.

At first, I cried.  Crying, for me, is a rare occurrence.  I cried for the end of a crazy relationship between Joe and I.  I was really happy for him, but in some selfish way, I was sad for myself for having let this guy go.

Sadness disappeared and anger set in.  I couldn't even face my parents.  I was so angry at them.  How could they impose their views on me to this extent?  How could they not understand that you don't get married and then fall in love but that you marry the person you fall in love with...and that you can't help who you fall in love with!

And, I was mad at myself.  For allowing them to impose their views/values on me that I completely disagreed with; for not standing up for my own beliefs and values and fighting for what was true to me.  And, for not following my heart.  I had not lived up to my own expectations and standards over the last year and i was angry at myself for that.

With a few hours at the gym each day, I was able to let go of some of that.  The gym is my sanctuary - whether it's a long walk, a tough weights session or some power peddling, the gym is where my brain goes into overdrive, thinking about everything and sorting it out fairly efficiently.  I've spent a lot of time at the gym this past week.

I can't blame my parents.  They are who they are and they did what they thought was best for me.  I couldn't face them because the only thing I could've explained or said would have been "There.  Are you happy?  You can now sleep soundly at night as I won't be marrying a muslim guy anymore", and that would have been unfair.  It's not how I wanted to react with them and although some might argue that they deserve that, I disagreed.  They're my parents.

I know that being angry doesn't solve anything.  In fact, it makes things worse.  It's an emotion that I hate.  Thankfully, I've successfully channeled most of that energy into working out, and I will continue to do that.  My friends have been an amazing support network and I couldn't be a luckier person if I tried.

I had a dream last night - Joe and his sister were both with their respective partners and we were out somewhere in the wilderness.  Everyone was laughing and happy, it was great!  It was the first in the 11 years that I had known Joe where he and I weren't together in my dreams.  I was finally able to let go...just like magic!

Now, it's time to take back my life and live up to my own standards.  Pursue the career that I want to pursue.  Find a guy that I want to marry.  Live the dreams that I have for myself.  And not live by anyone else's expectations of me.  Then, and only then, I will find true happiness again.

My first regret. Ever.

The last 24 hours has been more emotional than I had ever anticipated...mainly anger.  Along with jealousy, I despise anger.  They are two horrible emotions and bring out the worst in people.

So I did the only thing that usually snaps me out of it: I exercised.  For 3 hours, I walked as fast as my legs would take me.  It wasn't fast enough.  It wasn't long enough.  I am still angry.

I am angry at my parents for putting me in this position.  And, more so, I am angry at myself for not having the guts to fight them on it a year ago.  I completely disagree with their rationale and am angry that they chose to impose that on me.  Angry at myself for allowing them to do that.  Angry at myself for making a sacrifice for them that has resulted in perhaps losing one of the best things I had.  Angry that I made a sacrifice based on beliefs that I don't even share or agree with!!

I've lived my life without regrets.  I've always tried to make decisions that were true to who I was so that I wouldn't have any regrets - I don't believe in them.
Well, I didn't.  Not fighting more this past year would be my first regret.  Not standing up for what I believe in, that is a regret.

The anger will subside eventually.  The guilt of the regret may not as quickly.  One day at a time.  One workout at a time.  One deep breath at a time.

It's over.

Joe briefly showed up on Skype, after 5 months, yesterday.  It was the first time I'd seen him online or really attempted any communication with him.  It was a random chat - nothing fantastic.  I didn't know whether or not to tell him that my mom had slightly, backhandedly, conceded.  I mean, I was caught completely off-guard by her concession a week ago.  I was finally figuring out ways to move on and forget about Joe and live my life again, then SMACK, Joe's back in the picture...

I found out from a mutual friend that he's well and happy.  Things seem to be going well with his new girlfriend.  Maybe it's what he needs - someone other than me.   Who am I to break apart two people if they are happy?  She affectionately calls him 'sweets'.  It would be relatively cruel for me to just spring this onto him...no?

I don't know.  The other side of it is that if I really want this, should I not say something?  Is it not fair for me, for Joe to understand what really happened a year ago and where things are now?  I always used to tell him 'wait til I'm 30 - my parents will be so worried that I'm not married that they'll come around', and that's pretty much what's happening...

After the recommendations of many friends, I finally told Joe what happened over the last week.  I was nervous as heavens.  He listened, and then apologized.
"I'm sorry, Anika, I'm really happy.  She's the one for me and I'm going to marry her," he said.
"That's great," I replied, "I'm really happy for you, Joe."

We exchanged pleasantries about life and talked a bit.  I finally asked when they would get married and he said that he was going to propose in the coming weeks.  He had a ring and they hoped to get married in December.

I fought back tears for the rest of the conversation.  We talked for nearly an hour.  Our friendship would eventually survive.  But my heart was broken.  Shattered, in fact.  I had been with the guy for nearly ten years and had grown with him - we'd become the people we were today because of each other.  A year ago, he asked me if he should wait for me.  I told him that I couldn't do that to him - it would be selfish of me to ask him.  And so, I let him go, hoping that one day everything would be less complicated.

Well, it's definitely less complicated now.  I had essentially helped him become who he was today and given him away to someone else...or that's at least how it felt.

He's happy and I'm truly happy for him (as tears roll down my cheeks).  He was the best thing that happened to me - he taught me how to love, how to care, how to laugh.  And, he taught me how to deal with life's funniest twists and turns, and how to face them all with dignity and grace.  For that, I am eternally thankful.

Oh - I never really told anyone why I chose this blog url.  I had one of the toughest days at work.  I felt horrible, I'd had a bad day and things weren't looking good to get home anytime before 2am.  I texted Joe.  I was tired and cranky and had changed into sweats for the last part of my workday (10pm onwards).  He told me that I would always be his 'babe' and princess.  I felt further from being a princess than ever before, and I told him that.  As usual, I was wearing Roots sweatpants, toe-socks and a hoodie.  Appropriately, he texted back: "No matter where we are in this life together or apart, you will always be my princess toe-socks".  The name stuck.

Chapter, sadly, closed.

Make up your mind, fate.

I don't understand.  I really don't.  Is this the universe's idea of a cruel joke?  Why do we meet people that we're not 'meant' to be with?  What does that even mean?  Is this some sort of test?  Here, meeting this awesome person who will make you sooooo happy....just kidding, you're not allowed to be with him despite the crazy connection the two of you have. mwahahahaha.  Not funny.  Or is it a test to see whether I have the strength to break from the norm?  Either way, I am not a fan of tests.

I was recently talking to my mom who had been running a few errands.  Along the way, she encountered a guy who supposedly could tell the future.  As she's incredibly worried about my single status, she spoke to him about me.  The guy said that he was surprised that I hadn't gotten married last year as the stars were aligned and things looked very strong.  As she relayed this story to me, she also added that she neglected to tell him about Walter.  I cut the conversation short as I was annoyed that every single time 'boys' were discussed, Joe was left out of it.  He was conveniently forgotten about and it was as if he never existed!

I found myself walking in the park with my mom a couple of days later.  I'm not sure how we got back to the subject of boys (then again, when are we not talking about boys), but I calmly explained to my mom that it wasn't fair that Joe was continuously left out.  He was the biggest part of my life to that point and it was ridiculous to pretend that the entire fight or discussion never occurred.  While I didn't understand why they reacted the way they did, I explained that I had to accept it and was trying to move on.  The situation had not been forgotten, however.

What seemed like out of nowhere, my mom says "well, if you really think that he's the right person for you, then just marry him. I can't stop you - you're almost 30.  I don't want to be blamed, down the road, if you don't find anyone else.  It'll ruin the family name in the community, but if it's what you think is best, then you should just go ahead and marry him.  Parents adapt - they always do.  I may not like it and may retreat for awhile, but eventually I will have to adapt, too.  It's hard to watch you go through your life, single.  Maybe I overreacted a year ago, I'm sorry."

Excuse me?  Are you kidding? (you must be) Are you just saying that? (probably) Do you actually mean it? (likely not) Are you saying that because I've already told you that Joe has moved in with his new girlfriend in Australia and is moving on with his life? (well, you're not a malicious person so probably not, it's just coincidence)  Now, a year later, you are giving me permission (albeit slightly backhandedly) to marry the guy I've tried to fight for, for the last how many years? I've tried to get over it in the last year and now it's back in front of me as an actual option... or are you just messing with me??

Why is it that women are always left to balance both cultures?  I have been born and raised in Canada - this is not how we think - we don't worry about 'family name in society'.  We worry about world peace and equality for all. We do our best to balance both worlds and find and live the best values from each.  We don't marry to 'fall in love later', but fall in love and then marry.  How is it possible for guys to get away with things?  If they married outside of the culture, the girl would be blamed for whisking the boy away from the culture.  But, if a girl marries outside of her culture, it's all her fault and who could she shame the family like that?

WTF?!?!?!  Where's The Fruit!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"  (I don't like to swear, WTF = where's the fruit)

Make up your mind, fate, please, make up your mind.

Mamma's boy...

Just before I moved to Halifax, I received an email from a guy through the 'mothernet'.  "Our loving mom's set us up," he wrote.  He sounded nice and I had nothing to lose, so emailed him back.  I explained that I had just had surgery so couldn't meet up unless I could find a ride and was moving to Halifax in a few days but that I would be back every so often, if he wanted to keep in touch via email to start and we could meet up when I was back.  I never heard back.

Eight months later, I received an email from him:

"Hey Anika, how are you? sorry i haven't kept in touch. i heard you went away and figured we get in touch when you came back. have you come back home? 

i can't see my mom anymore without her asking if i have reached out to you and i thought of you right now because she's coming back from south africa today. i don't mean to sound selfish but atleast i can say i tried to contact you before i see her.
hopefully we can meet up some time soon this summer if you are back in town. 

hopefully we can get to know eachother better soon.

btw, i requested to be your friend on on facebook just now...

keep in touch,

Sunny"

Completely unimpressed and annoyed by his email, I replied:

"Hi Sunny, 

Thanks for your email.  Honestly, you don't sound keen on wanting to stay in touch, so now feel quite awkward keeping in touch - I've been back for a few months... and your mom shouldn't be the reason for you emailing...
If you are not interested, please be honest with your mom and tell her that.
All the best,
Anika"

Upon the insistence of my friends to give him a chance, we've exchanged a couple of emails.  He's keen on getting together for dinner.  Me, not so much.  If a guy is interested in you, he makes an effort.  He doesn't wait 8 months to email you and then tell you that he's writing because he's afraid of facing his mom soon.  So is the interest genuine?  I'm doubtful.  

Again, at the insistence of friends, I will attempt to keep an open mind and will think about dinner...

New beginnings, new date!

After some back and forth and increasingly hanging out with Walter, it was very clear that I had dodged a major bullet.  He had managed to hide much of his personality for quite some time while we put plans in place.  Once things started to go wrong, his true colours came through and I thank my stars that things didn't work out.  

I decided that I could no longer stay in Halifax - I wasn't happy with my job, nor was I keen on staying in the same city as Walter.  So, I moved home and started over.  

There was a very tall guy on eHarmony who had been messaging me.  I hadn't been keen on meeting up, but I had nothing to lose.  And, maybe I'd be pleasantly surprised.  So, we went for coffee.  We had a nice, quick chat.  We were both on a time constraint, but discovered that we had common interests and we'd see where things went.

He set up a dinner/movie date a couple of days later and I agreed.  Through texts that we had exchanged between the two dates, I was quickly losing interest but tried to stay positive and keep an open mind.  It was his choice of conversation at dinner that ended things for me.  We were both teachers.  He taught high school PE while I taught science.  At his school, two female teachers shared a full time post for teaching high school boys PE.  He felt that a full time, male teacher would have been better suited to the task.  Asking why, he cited the inability of female teachers to go into the locker room if there were any issues as the main argument.  Surely he could go in and help if needed, I suggested?  I had worked with several female PE teachers who taught male students and this was the first time I'd heard such a concern. Female teachers were more than capable of handling male students, I insisted.  He disagreed.  He disagreed with me, a female teacher.  

Date over.  Next!

Who does that?!?!

When Walter didn't show up to Anna's birthday party, I was annoyed.  Annoyed the point where I felt that I should just be the bigger person, bring him a slice of cake and tell him to grow up.  So, I did.

Unfortunately for me, that turned into a 9 hour conversation, rehashing every detail of the relationship.  I was going around in circles and am not sure why I didn't just walk out.  What was I thinking?  Who rehashes the entire relationship, down to every detail?

Walter and I were back on speaking terms after that, and eventually he wanted to get back together with me.  No chance.  He wasn't happy with my decision, but that was too bad.  I was fine with being friends, but I was in no place to start dating him again.  And looking back, I'm so glad that I made that decision.  Here are a few snippets from the months that followed...

I made him and his family some Shrikhand (that yoghurt dessert that he likes so much) for Diwali.  Diwali weekend happened to be the weekend we were supposed to have our Indian engagement.  The dessert was a tradition for me to give to friends, and I knew he loved it.  On our way back to Halifax (we were in Toronto for the weekend), he thanked me for the dessert and asked if he could provide some feedback.  Um...sure, I guess... "Well, it was good and we enjoyed it.  But, for me, I felt as though there were too many pistachios and almonds.  Too much on top, for my personal taste", he said.  Who says stuff like that?

*************

Anna and Peter had started going to weekly trivia night at a local pub. I joined them and Walter graced us with his presence the first week we went.  It wasn't the most amazing trivia, but it was nice to have everyone out together.  Our team was tied with another after the second round and in order to break the tie, a game of rock/paper/scissors was to be played.  As we decided who was going to play for us, Walter had already gotten out of his seat and was off to represent us.  Okay, no problem - it was just rock/paper/scissors, how wrong could it go?  Walter and his opponent discussed whether to show their preferred choice on 3 or after 3.  This took a few minutes and it was decided that it would be after 3 and not on 3.  So off they went.  1..... 2.....Walter shows his sign.   "I thought we were going after 3," his opponent argued.  "Oh ya...okay, ya, after 3," Walter replies.  So they go again.  1...... 2...... Walter shows his sign.  "Oh, sorry - right, after 3," Walter apologizes.  Third time was lucky, thank goodness.  Walter not only got it right and showed his sign after 3, but also won.  Phew.  As we giggled at our table, he came back and issued evil glares to anyone who dared to make fun of him or smile at the situation.  *roll eyes*

*****************

Every opportunity he had, Walter provided me with 'feedback'.  Whether it was too many nuts on the yoghurt dessert dish, too much garlic in another dish, or the preference of jeans over leggings, etc, Walter always had feedback to provide.  He never saw any fault in it and maybe I should have just grown thicker skin.  It's how he was raised - continuous corrections.  It was in his blood.  He was in the military - the lifestyle suited him.  I never figured out if he actually believed it, but he came across as being superior to everyone else.  There was the military protocol, and then everything else.  It was funny.

**************

After having walked the streets of Paris for the day, we stopped for a bite to eat.  Walter asked if I'd like some hand sanitizer.  "I'd love some," I said, holding my hand out.  He opened the bottle and meticulously placed a drop of hand sanitizer on each of my fingers and thumb, before placing a slightly bigger drop on the palm of my hand.  I couldn't help laughing.  He didn't take kindly to the laughing.  "Why would you use hand sanitizer like that and not just put a blob in the middle of your palm and spread it around," I asked, thinking in my head that that's what most normal people do.
"Because it's more efficient this way," he said.
"And how is this more efficient?" I asked.
"This way you get the sanitizer on the places you use the most when eating - the tips of your fingers," he continued.
"That's not efficiency - you're a lawyer, surely you can come up with a better argument," I joked.
He was not happy and barely spoke to me for the next hour.

****************

We were walking in the park one day, he was in uniform.  One of the park 'guards' saluted him.  I asked about the protocol behind this and he explained that anyone of a lower rank had to salute someone of a higher rank.  "But," I asked, "what if the person doesn't realize that you are of higher rank or see?"
"I would quietly point it out that I was higher rank," he replied.
"But, what if you're out in a public park such as this one?  I mean, I guess it's fine to point it out for military things, but in a public park like this when you're just walking around?" I continued.
"It's protocol. I would point it out," he said.
Chill out, dude!

*****************

I think the funniest story was one that came to me about a month after I left Halifax.  Walter plays dodgeball.  The team has t-shirts, just like every other community league team out there.  Rumour has it, that Walter took his t-shirt to the tailor to get hemmed because it was too long!  Apparently Walter was endlessly razzed by his team...I have heard a lot of stories, but this last one definitely takes the cake for "Who Does That?????"

Case Closed.  End of story.  Good riddance!

The Bed.

My things were packed and sent to Halifax while I was in Costa Rica.  Walter had let the movers into my new apartment and had assembled my bed for me.  It was really sweet of him to do that.

About two weeks after my move to Halifax, part of my bed collapsed.  I did my best to repair the corner that didn't want to hold the mattress up and then just slept on the other side.  Until it collapsed while I was sitting in bed, watching TV with a hot cup of tea.  With hot tea all over myself, I cursed the bed and the person who had put it together.  It was a standard frame that worked well for years - the only reason it was falling apart now was faulty assembly.

So, one fine Saturday afternoon, I pulled the mattress off and examined the bed frame.  At this point, Joe and I were still talking every once in awhile and he was my first stop - the most handy person I knew on Skype would could look at the frame and help me understand what was wrong with it.

"It's been put together backwards," he said.
"How do I fix it?"
"Take it apart, flip the thing around and put it back together again - it's completely wrong and won't hold any weight the way it is - I'm surprised it's not in worse shape," he continued.

After half an hour of live Skype help from Joe, he had to go.  The time difference was too great and it was way past his bedtime.  Following his instructions, I disassembled the frame, flipped everything around and went to put it together.  I needed more tools than I had.  I called Walter... I don't know why.

With his sweatshirt tucked into his jeans and sporting a barely-bent ball cap (the combination was priceless), he showed up with his toolbox.  Because he'd put it together the wrong way, he ended up having to bend it out of shape in order to make it fit together.  Therefore, it was nearly impossible to get it back together, the right way.  I explained this to him and was wondering if he had any solutions because I didn't know how to fit it back together.  He sat cross-legged on my floor and stared at the frame.  He may have been trying to send it yoda-like messages to bend back to it's original form, but it wasn't working.  After five minutes of silence, I told him that it was fine - he could go home and I would figure it out.  I was annoyed and no longer wanted him to waste my time.  Another five minutes of staring at my frame went by.  Again, I reiterated that he could go; it was okay, I would figure it out and find a solution.  Yet another five minutes of staring at my frame!  'How many more times can I ask you politely to leave?!' I thought.
"Walter, just go. Please.  I'm not in a good mood, my bed is broken and I don't know how to fix it.  This isn't helping. Please go home and I will figure something out.  Worst case, I have my awesome papasan chair to sleep on, which is uber comfy, so I don't mind," I said.
He left.  (He later messaged me to say that I could sleep in his bed, if I preferred it over the chair - he felt bad about the bed.  Um...no chance. Nice try.)

Completely frustrated, I called Steve on Skype.  I didn't know if Steve could help but I knew that he was certainly more 'handy' than Walter was.

Steve, bless him, looked at the bed on Skype, drew a sketch of it and then proceeded to give me step-by-step directions how I could assemble it.  It wouldn't be perfect and it might be at a very slight slant, but  I could definitely put it back together and it would survive.  He had already been running late to meet friends when I had called and neglected to mention it.  Instead, he calmly helped my frustrated self put together the bed for the next hour before excusing himself.  He then checked on me, and the bed, everyday that week to ensure that his instructions had worked and I had bed to sleep in.  It was really sweet.

Childish behaviour

A week after I moved to Halifax, there was an event at the temple.  I wanted to go and Anna and Peter were taking me.  Anna was fabulously throwing me a 'Welcome to Halifax' party so that I could meet her friends and build a support network of sorts while I was there.  She was such a sweetheart!

About a month had passed and I had yet to speak to Walter.  He had deleted me off Skype after I brushed him off at the temple.  I'm not sure what he expected me to do - after everything, why would I want to speak to him?  He then stopped attending any function which would have any remote chance that I may also be there.  I didn't mind - if he wanted to act like a child, then so be it. I had no issues with him being around and I would be cordial, but that's as far as it went.

The last straw was Anna's surprise birthday party.  Walter chose the most inopportune time to speak with Peter about not wanting to come to the party, and then became upset when Peter couldn't give him his full attention.  He barely spoke to Peter after that.  Seriously? Are we five years old now? Who does that?  Man up, Walter. Man. Up.

The (brief) Return of Joe

Through the chaos of surgery, it was Joe's birthday.  We had promised each other that no matter where we were, birthdays were the one occasion that we'd exchange some sort of greeting.

I emailed...then called.  He wasn't expecting the call.  I caught him off-guard.  It had been nearly 6 months since we had last spoken when I told him that I needed time to figure things out and that I couldn't go through with the fight.  It had been six months since I had heard his voice.

We talked.  We caught up.  I learned that he had just started dating someone in Australia and it was long distance for now.  He was excited to hear from me.  He did what he always does when I throw him off course - he drank.  We talked, he drank, and then he called me back.  He missed me and was so happy to hear from me, but he didn't know what to do with that.  I told him about Walter.  He listened.  Joe was kind - listened to everything, was nice about Walter (though I knew he secretly was happy that things didn't work out because he knew I deserved better).  He told me he loved me.

For the few months that followed, the drama with Joe and I continued.  We skyped occasionally and found ourselves talking about the past and reminiscing a lot.  It made us happy.  We told each other how much we missed everything and how crazy it was for the two of us to still be in love, despite 4.5 years of long distance and the odds being against us.

But, it had to stop.  It wasn't fair to his girlfriend.  She was sweet, I'm sure, and she didn't deserve this.  It wasn't fair.  And so I told him.  Although it killed me to cut him out for awhile, it was the right thing to do.  He knew it.  I knew it.

I had conveniently planned a trip away while Joe was home for the holidays.  His sister was getting married and his girlfriend was coming with him.  I didn't want to be a part of that.  I didn't want to be anywhere near that.  So, I left town.  I missed him.  I hadn't seen him in a year and it wasn't likely that he'd be back again anytime soon.

We met up for half an hour on New Year's Eve.  It was like old times.  I was waiting at the counter of a store when he arrived.  I felt bad that I was in the middle of getting something fixed when he arrived and apologized.  "No worries, I recognized you by your very nice bum," he said, not skipping a beat.  It was like old times.

We caught up.  He snuck in a few digs at me and I'm sure it made him feel better.  "I'm looking forward to a 'normal' relationship," he said.  "She doesn't want me to change," he added, referring to the fact that we'd been long distance for four years and that I had asked him to quit smoking and preferred not to have meat in the house.  'Fine,' I thought, 'you can have that'.  You are doing what you need to do to move on.  History has repeated itself yet again - be a jerk now to make yourself feel better.  It won't help. He kissed me goodbye and went back to Singapore to pack his things up and move to Australia.

I spent the rest of the day balling.  We barely spoke after that.  One or two emails exchanged - none of which he replied to with any care.  I couldn't blame him.  He had moved in with his girlfriend, who by all accounts, was exactly like him.  While they were long distance, she had a rule that they had to Skype for at least an hour a day.  Who knew what kind of rules she had for when they were together.  Maybe he needed that structure, who knows.

And, a few months of nothing later, he emailed me for my birthday.  I was surprised but glad he remembered.  I waited to reply and eventually texted.  Our quippy text banter brought a smile to my face.  I missed him...I needed to move on.

Flashback - The Croissant Sprayer

I was living in Cambridge at the time and was browsing shaadi.com.  This guy also lived in Cambridge and was interested in meeting for coffee.  Sounds fine to me - I had nothing to lose.

We had exchanged a few emails beforehand - he made himself sound very important with limited time to meet.  No worries, we could work around his schedule as I was a student and my schedule allowed for more flexibility.  

"How will we recognize each other?" he asked.
"Well, I will be there anyway, working on my paper.  My computer has a green cover that is fairly distinctive, so I'm sure you'll spot me," I said.
"So you'd be the Hulkette, then," he said.
"Um.  Sure."

He had a classic case of 'talk a lot'.  He dominated the conversation, and normally I wouldn't mind.  But, this guy had decided that he wanted a croissant with his coffee.  Talking + eating croissant = messy conversation.  I had his croissant bits all over me.  Eww.

He asked me point-blank at the end of the conversation if I wanted to see him again.  I tried to get out of answering such an awkward question, but he persisted.  So, I was honest.  "No, I'm really sorry, I don't see this going any further, I'm sorry," I said sheepishly.

He got up and walked out, leaving his coffee on the table, surrounded by flakes of croissant which had come flying out of his mouth over the previous half hour!

The return of the bio-data

It had been awhile since the word bio-data had been uttered in my house.  But, the day after Walter and I broke up was not soon enough for my parents to bring up the subject again.  I could do nothing but laugh - my parents didn't know what 'taking time' meant.  It was best to just move on and forget about the bad things.  Bury it quickly and move on.  I indulged them because I was couch-ridden and had nowhere to hide.  My leg was healing from surgery and it was too painful to move.

The regular searches were made on shaadi.com and eHarmony.  I hadn't had much luck with either, but it passed the time to read people's profiles.  Nothing really interested me - I wasn't in the mood to be looking, but my day went faster because of it.

I revamped my biodata and updated my picture and my parents went to work.  I watched movies and did my best to get over Walter and move on.

About two weeks before I moved to Halifax, I met Steve.  He lived in Calgary and my family knew his.  He seemed like a nice guy and we caught up on Skype for a few hours and learned more about each other.  He was honest, up front and different from most guys I'd met.  And odd start, but a welcome change.  We kept in touch and he wanted to meet up, but I wasn't interested in him coming to Halifax.  I wasn't ready to date and needed time.  So we just kept in touch and would see where things went.  He was great for frank discussions about any topic (some that were surprisingly open and involved way too much information).

Let's see where the new bio-data takes me...

Aftermath

I had already signed a one-year lease for my apartment (before I went to Costa Rica).  My life's possessions  were already in my apartment (albeit, in boxes).  I had a job (albeit part-time) all lined up and the principal had been kind to let me start 6 weeks into the year, as soon as my cast had come off.  So, I was set to move to Halifax.  All I had to do was get through the next 6 weeks on the couch and go tackle my new life in a city I wasn't too keen on being in.  Not to worry, it was the higher road.  'I'm strong, I can handle this', I thought to myself.  I wasn't going to chicken out of the move just because Walter and I had broken up!

About ten days after we broke up, a friend of Walter's,  was also having foot surgery.  Anna's Facebook status indicated that she was worried about the process and nobody had responded to her, yet.  I privately messaged her saying that I understood if she didn't respond because of what happened between Walter and I, but that she had nothing to worry about.  I walked her through the process, hoping to put her mind at ease.  Anna was a sweetheart - we'd met when I went to see Walter in Halifax; Anna and her husband, Peter, had made sure that I felt at home and had a good time - we'd met up a few times throughout the weekend and they'd stayed in touch.

Anna replied to my message and was shocked to hear that Walter and I were no longer together.  Peter had spoken to Walter a few times in the last ten days and not once had Walter mentioned anything!  Walter had sought advice from Anna about the ring, so she knew that things were going well and couldn't believe that suddenly everything had ended.  She was thankful for the information about her surgery and assured me that we would stay friends despite the chaos - after all, I would need friendly faces in Halifax once I moved! :)  It was sweet of her.

As Anna and I were both couch-ridden post-surgery, we kept each other company over Skype and became closer friends.  She was a smart, beautiful and amazingly friendly person and it was nice to chat while we both were immobile.

I wasn't comfortable with Walter still having my apartment keys and mail.  Peter and Walter played on the same dodgeball team, so asked Peter to pick up my things from Walter one night after their game.  I felt better knowing that it was in the hands of someone I trusted.  Walter eventually told Peter and Anna (and the rest of his friends) that we had broken up but his version of the story was that 'it just didn't work out'.  Anything else he added had clearly implied that it was my idea and fault that we were no longer together.  I wasn't concerned about what his friends thought, but Anna had known the truth (it's what happens when you have eight hours a day on skype with someone and neither of you can really do anything else).  Peter and Anna were both livid.  Peter had moved to be with Anna in Halifax after only a few months of knowing her.  Even before they knew the full story, Peter and Anna were upset with Walter.  They knew how much sacrifice a move involved and to break things off simply because they 'just didn't work out' was unacceptable to either of them.

I was glad Walter was out of my life.  I was touched that Anna and Peter had declared themselves co-captains of team Anika - something I never expected and was incredibly appreciated!

Walter and I had exchanged a couple of brief emails, which just upset me even more.  I was disappointed that he left me in such an awkward position - I still had to move to Halifax.  I had turned down some amazing opportunities in the UK to move there...for a part time job.  He wrote back and understood that I was in an awkward position and apologized but asked that I see his side of things, too.  He was also in an awkward position because he "bought a ring out a sense of commitment and love for [me], but which no longer had a purpose".  He was comparing a cross-country move, uprooting my life and giving up amazing job prospects to the purchase of a ring?  Seriously?  Who does that?!

To try and move on, I looked at our relationship and found all the things I had done wrong - I could have been more patient and understanding.  I could have communicated things differently.  I could have used less emails and skyped more in order to prevent miscommunications.  All sorts of things, and for those reasons, I emailed Walter and apologized to him for the situation we were currently in.  It's the last thing either of us wanted, and hopefully he would realize that.  I needed to let go and this was my way of doing it.  He didn't respond until two weeks later when he accepted the apology and forgave me 'entirely' (no apology on his part).  He knew that I had not meant to hurt him. (roll eyes)

One aftermath email that I have yet to stop laughing at, really sums up his personality and why things never would have worked out.  A big storm had hit Halifax and before he had given my keys to Peter, he had checked out my apartment to make sure it was okay (which I thought was nice of him).  The email that I received after his inspection:


"I went to your apartment this evening and am happy to report that I observed no damage.  I decided to put the items (except the charcoal briquets which are still wrapped in paper and inside) back on the balcony.  While there is a risk of storm-related damage from future storms, I think that the risk is lessened by the fact that the storms seem to approach Halifax from the southwest whereas your balcony faces northeast.  I estimate that this means that any items on your balcony should be sheltered from high winds.  Also, the cinder blocks and table are fairly heavy and I spread them out over the green carpet so everything should stay put.  I also decided to put the items back on the balcony because the table may be growing some kind of mould and I was concerned about those organisms getting into your carpet and walls and thereby affecting your indoor air quality.  The cinder blocks and table had been sitting on packing paper so I threw that paper in the garbage to avoid any mould contamination."


My response:  "What if the direction of the winds change...like in Mary Poppins?"


I moved to Halifax with the help of Anna and Peter, who I had become closer friends with.  They had moved everything in my apartment to the side so that we had room to unpack.  They had stocked my fridge with juice and veggies, toilet paper in the bathroom and some lovely flowers to cheer me up.  It was sweet and I was incredibly thankful for their warmth and friendship.

Seeking Permission

I texted Walter several times the night before my surgery.  I needed his comfort.  He never replied.

He called the next morning and apologized - he had been busy talking to his parents and brother and couldn't reply to my texts.  He wished me luck for my surgery and I went off to the hospital.

I texted him from the hospital.  My surgery was delayed by a couple of hours, so I let Walter know.  I had sent about 5-6 texts with no answer.  He must busy, I thought.

As I came out of surgery and was waiting in the recovery room with my mom, my phone rang.  It was Walter!  Finally!  I was excited to hear his voice, but something wasn't right.  He sounded distant and tired.

"Are you okay?", I asked.
"Oh ya, we can talk about it later," he replied.

Well, the can had been opened and so we might as well talk about it.  The benefit of a local anaesthetic is that you're not all woozy post-surgery.  I felt fine and my leg was still numb.  No better time to have a chat.

He explained that he had concerns - he realized that after talking to his parents and brother, that he was concerned about the fact that I had neural therapy in Costa Rica.  He wasn't sure how to react before when I had told him (while I was visiting him), but that after thinking about it, he was really concerned.  He was concerned because I hadn't spoken to him first.  I hadn't talked it over with him before having the treatment.  He was concerned that if something had gone wrong, I would have no legal recourse in Costa Rica.  He was concerned because we clearly were having communication issues (referring to the Marks Work Warehouse/Lulu jokes, and the Swiffer/vacuum & mail keys discussions) and wasn't sure how to rectify the situation.

I thanked him for sharing his views and concerns and assured him that we would talk soon.  The nurses were calling me and I needed to go.

Since the freezing was wearing off, I was allowed to go home and did just that.  The pain was setting in. I was thinking about what Walter had said.  He was concerned that I hadn't spoken to him first about Costa Rica?  Really? I was too tired to think and took a nap.

I awoke at 11pm at night and texted Walter to let him know I was heading back to the hospital.  I had lost all feeling in my foot and since the doctor's had failed to tell me I had a delayed block, I was a bit concerned. What if I had permanently lost feeling in my foot?  My mom and I spent the night in the hospital waiting to be seen.  Never fun.  We slept the entire next day after which I emailed Walter back as he was not answering my calls or texts.  Something was up.  He had completely disappeared.  I recollected the conversation from the previous day as best I could and replied to each of his concerns.  I explained that sometimes when he spoke, he came across as a 'know-it-all', which meant that I was defensive.  I shouldn't have reacted that way and apologized.  But, we both had faults and as I tried to work through them, I continued to explain that we clearly just needed to work through them.  As for the 'permission seeking' for neural therapy, I disagreed.  I explained that the clinic was impeccable, that legal recourse was not something we had in Canada let alone in Costa Rica.  I explained that I knew people who had received neural therapy and their conditions had improved and that nobody I knew or that research knew had side effects from the treatment considering it was all natural.  I explained that this doctor had been doing this for 30 years and he knew what he was doing, and that people from all over the world came to see him.  I wasn't sure what else I could write. I was happy for us to talk over the phone or on skype.

I didn't hear back.  I texted Walter the next day and heard nothing.  I texted again saying that I really just needed to hear his voice.  We had promised each other that we wouldn't run from anything and that we'd face any issues together.  He finally replied.  He said that he wasn't running, rather had some concerns.  (Clearly my email didn't work at solving anything).  I was happy to talk about them and he wanted to wait until his parents had left.  Fair enough.

As we drove up to the cottage a couple of days later, I looked up at the night sky through the window and wondered what had happened.  Only a week ago, I was talking about wedding venues and rings.  I visited my future fiance and although it wasn't the best visit, we were going to talk things through.  But, he disappeared instead.  I had barely heard from him in the last 5 days and I wasn't sure what I could do to bring him back.  When we reached the cottage, two hours later, I had an email waiting for me.  He was 'writing with a heavy heart'.  He didn't know how we could move forward with all of these differences.  He wasn't sure if we could resolve our issues because I wasn't communicating openly (hadn't asked for permission for neural therapy).  He felt that he had a right over my body (because we were talking about eventually getting married), just as I had a right over his.  I disagreed.  He felt as though there was a growing distance between us and he didn't see it coming.

I was shocked.  In lots of pain.  And in complete shock.  I didn't sleep.  I didn't want to reply via email, rather wanted to talk.  He wasn't willing to fly to down to see me and I couldn't because of the surgery, so we were stuck with Skype.  And that's what we did.  We talked for three hours, trying to work through things. I sent him information on neural therapy to assure him it was perfectly safe.  I told him that if he had made a decision as I did, I would have supported him no matter what.  I would have trusted him.  That was the difference.  And I was working through it because I had made a promise to him that I would.  We both had a lot to think about and arranged to talk on skype the next evening.  He never showed.  I received a lame message four hours after our meeting time to say that he got caught up in something.  I had propped myself up on a couch, in complete pain, so that we could speak.  And I, stupidly, waited for four hours on that couch for him to show up on Skype.

I deserved better.  A LOT better.  And I told him that.  That was it.  We tried to reconcile things once more after that, but he made it clear that his "heart wasn't into it anymore".  One day madly in love with me and a week later, his heart wasn't into it.  I did deserve better.  SO MUCH BETTER.  And, I was going to find it.

Time to revamp that bio-data of mine!

48-hour mayhem

On the second last day of my trip in Costa Rica, I was coming down the mountain and went over on my ankle.  The ankle that I had surgery on only a year and a half earlier.  The ankle that I had been so careful with and the last joint in my body I wanted to injure.  Only an hour earlier, I had had neural therapy on both of my ankles and my knee to break down the scar tissue.  It's a natural injection made up of caffeine and dopamine (or something similar) that basically helps break down scar tissue and reactivate nervous tissue.  When you have surgery, you can lose the sensation of your skin where the scar is - so that part of your skin doesn't feel like it's a part of your body.  Neural Therapy helps treat that - it's like restarting your computer when it stops working - this just resets your nerves.  All natural, no known side effects.  The only risk would have been from the needle the doctor used.

I was in an ecovillage that was started by a German doctor and a few other doctors also lived there.  He was a pioneer of Neural Therapy back in Germany and then moved to Costa Rica about 20 years prior.  He had been operating a small natural remedies clinic for 20 years from the village.  It was impeccably clean and well-run.  People from all over the world came to see the doctor who had treated cancer patients and extended their lives with similar treatments.  I was only getting scar tissue removed.  What I didn't realize is that the first surgery on my ankle had failed and the only thing that was still holding it in place, was scar tissue.  Getting rid of it meant that my ankle was incredibly unstable.

So, in immense pain, I was given a ride down the hill, and then hobbled the rest of the trip back to the UK and then back to Canada.  I went to see my knee surgeon (family friend) who recommended another ankle surgeon and set up an appointment the next morning.  After a quick examination, the ankle surgeon set me up with immediate surgery as the only option - he had opening in 48 hours and could take me in.  He would need to take a ligament from my hamstring and harvest it as the ligament for my ankle.  Cool, yet scary.  Since I hated being put under, my only option was to have a spinal freeze.  More dangerous but a much better recovery.

It was suggested that I go see Walter before the surgery as I wouldn't be able to travel afterwards.  I wasn't in the best of moods and my mind was on the surgery, but I didn't disagree.  I did want to see him - he would've made my world a little bit better.  We had been discussing rings via email/skype and I knew that he had purchased one.  I knew that he was planning to propose relatively soon because my mom had accidentally told me about the Indian engagement that was planned for the beginning of November.

My trip to Halifax was very quick - I went from the hospital to pack my bag and off to the airport and was set to return the next evening, less than 12 hours before I would be operated on.  Walter's parents, brother and niece were also visiting him in Halifax so it was a good time for me to see everyone.

The first thing we did was pick up my apartment keys.  Walter had been amazing with the move and while I wrote my thesis, he viewed and found me an apartment.  It was within budget and super close to his place (where we figured I'd spend most of my time anyway).  The move had been so easy and I was so thankful for all of his help!  He had met my superintendent and so picking up the keys was easy.  As soon as I got them, I was very excited...
"A mail key," I exclaimed, " I have mail!!"
"You might have mail," he replied.
"Really? Might? I have been forwarding my mail for the last month - surely there is something, even if it's junk mail!",  I retorted.
"But, you haven't checked yet, so how do you know for certain that you have mail?", he explained.
"Of course.  Let's move on," I said, slightly annoyed.  Thanks for bursting that bubble for me.

The afternoon progressed and he saw my vacuum cleaner.
"Did you test the theory?", I asked, referring to an earlier Skype conversation.  He preferred Swiffer on his floors while I preferred a vacuum.  He didn't think that a vacuum worked just as well (if not better) and so had to test this theory on his own (rather than just taking my word for it).  Fair deal, and I was curious to see if he'd tested it.
"No, I haven't had a chance," he replied.
Being a bit cheeky, I continued "well, I still think that Vacuum trumps Swiffer," with a smile.
"Maybe, we'll have to see," he said.
"Those sheets just fill up landfills and don't pick up as much dust," I regrettably continued, jokingly.
"Well... ... you get noise pollution from vacuums," he replied very seriously.
Clearly this was not a joking matter, so I digressed from the conversation.  "Let's not talk about this," I said.  Knowing that I only had 24 hours with him, the last thing I wanted to do was have a meaningless fight.

We went back to his place, met up with his family and went to dinner.  He told me that he had been to Marks Work Warehouse with his parents and picked up some new clothes.  He was very excited.  Remembering his Lululemon comment, I decided to poke a little fun and say "well, if I were to take you shopping, it's not where I'd take you".   Clearly, it was not taken very well, because I had to repeat the statement three times, each time increasing the emphasis on "I" and making it sound even more joking/sarcastic than before.  No dice.  He figured that it was off limits because if he wasn't allowed to joke about my clothing choice, I shouldn't be allowed to joke about his.  Since when had he been joking about my lulu's?  He persisted and said "well, if I were to take you shopping, I wouldn't take you to Lulu!".  Okay - fair enough... whatever, 'let's not talk about this', I said, dropping the subject.

We went for a long walk after dropping off his parents.  He seemed upset and clearly wanted to talk.  And, we did.  He told me that he had concerns - that he felt that when I said "let's not talk about this", it meant that I didn't want to hear what he had to say.  He felt that I wasn't listening to him and didn't want to hear his opinion.  I explained that I had a limited time to spend with him and I didn't want to have meaningless arguments.  My mind was clearly elsewhere as I was quiet for most of the conversation.  I didn't have much to say and wanted to hear him out before I responded.

The next morning, we went to find a few things from the boxes in my apartment.  We ended up having a long conversation, where he continued to discuss his concerns.  He felt that I didn't want to listen to him (still referring to the 'let's not talk about this' comment) and that we were not communicating well.  My concern was that he couldn't take anything as a joke or understand that everyone has faults.  My faults had clearly been pointed out but although he claimed to look at his own, he didn't actually see that he had any.  Even if we left the major things out, he couldn't see the small things, either.  For me, the quickest way to confirm (or refute) my theory was to ask one question.  Surely, someone who has grown up in Canada and has great friends would realize if his wardrobe (filled with old-man clothes) is 'cool' or not?  (I didn't actually care if it was or wasn't, I just wanted to see what his self-perception was).  So, with my head preoccupied about the surgery and not really wanting to have in-depth discussions about anything, I put my theory to the test.

"You know, Walter, I'm sorry if you feel that way.  I have tried to explain that your interpretation is incorrect.  I love hearing what you have to say and am always up for a discussion.  I just didn't want to have big discussions about little things that don't really matter.  But I do need to know the answer to something.  Do you think your wardrobe is cool?"

Just as I suspected, he answered "Yes," not understanding why I asked him that most random question.

I knew from his answer that he clearly couldn't see any faults with what he did or how he thought.  Nobody had really challenged him up until that point and I don't think he took kindly to it.  We had a lot to talk about and I was confident that we'd sort things out and move forward and grow together.  I didn't have all of the answers and I knew he didn't either.  But, together, we would sort it out.  We had made a commitment to each other, and we'd had minor disagreements like this before, so we'd definitely sort through these ones.

As we bid adieu at the airport, he was quiet.  I knew we had things to talk about.  I told him that we'd work it out and sort things out but for now I needed to focus on my surgery and recovery.  He agreed.  We were both quiet as we had one long final hug before I got on the plane and flew home.  We'd work it out...