Seeking Permission

I texted Walter several times the night before my surgery.  I needed his comfort.  He never replied.

He called the next morning and apologized - he had been busy talking to his parents and brother and couldn't reply to my texts.  He wished me luck for my surgery and I went off to the hospital.

I texted him from the hospital.  My surgery was delayed by a couple of hours, so I let Walter know.  I had sent about 5-6 texts with no answer.  He must busy, I thought.

As I came out of surgery and was waiting in the recovery room with my mom, my phone rang.  It was Walter!  Finally!  I was excited to hear his voice, but something wasn't right.  He sounded distant and tired.

"Are you okay?", I asked.
"Oh ya, we can talk about it later," he replied.

Well, the can had been opened and so we might as well talk about it.  The benefit of a local anaesthetic is that you're not all woozy post-surgery.  I felt fine and my leg was still numb.  No better time to have a chat.

He explained that he had concerns - he realized that after talking to his parents and brother, that he was concerned about the fact that I had neural therapy in Costa Rica.  He wasn't sure how to react before when I had told him (while I was visiting him), but that after thinking about it, he was really concerned.  He was concerned because I hadn't spoken to him first.  I hadn't talked it over with him before having the treatment.  He was concerned that if something had gone wrong, I would have no legal recourse in Costa Rica.  He was concerned because we clearly were having communication issues (referring to the Marks Work Warehouse/Lulu jokes, and the Swiffer/vacuum & mail keys discussions) and wasn't sure how to rectify the situation.

I thanked him for sharing his views and concerns and assured him that we would talk soon.  The nurses were calling me and I needed to go.

Since the freezing was wearing off, I was allowed to go home and did just that.  The pain was setting in. I was thinking about what Walter had said.  He was concerned that I hadn't spoken to him first about Costa Rica?  Really? I was too tired to think and took a nap.

I awoke at 11pm at night and texted Walter to let him know I was heading back to the hospital.  I had lost all feeling in my foot and since the doctor's had failed to tell me I had a delayed block, I was a bit concerned. What if I had permanently lost feeling in my foot?  My mom and I spent the night in the hospital waiting to be seen.  Never fun.  We slept the entire next day after which I emailed Walter back as he was not answering my calls or texts.  Something was up.  He had completely disappeared.  I recollected the conversation from the previous day as best I could and replied to each of his concerns.  I explained that sometimes when he spoke, he came across as a 'know-it-all', which meant that I was defensive.  I shouldn't have reacted that way and apologized.  But, we both had faults and as I tried to work through them, I continued to explain that we clearly just needed to work through them.  As for the 'permission seeking' for neural therapy, I disagreed.  I explained that the clinic was impeccable, that legal recourse was not something we had in Canada let alone in Costa Rica.  I explained that I knew people who had received neural therapy and their conditions had improved and that nobody I knew or that research knew had side effects from the treatment considering it was all natural.  I explained that this doctor had been doing this for 30 years and he knew what he was doing, and that people from all over the world came to see him.  I wasn't sure what else I could write. I was happy for us to talk over the phone or on skype.

I didn't hear back.  I texted Walter the next day and heard nothing.  I texted again saying that I really just needed to hear his voice.  We had promised each other that we wouldn't run from anything and that we'd face any issues together.  He finally replied.  He said that he wasn't running, rather had some concerns.  (Clearly my email didn't work at solving anything).  I was happy to talk about them and he wanted to wait until his parents had left.  Fair enough.

As we drove up to the cottage a couple of days later, I looked up at the night sky through the window and wondered what had happened.  Only a week ago, I was talking about wedding venues and rings.  I visited my future fiance and although it wasn't the best visit, we were going to talk things through.  But, he disappeared instead.  I had barely heard from him in the last 5 days and I wasn't sure what I could do to bring him back.  When we reached the cottage, two hours later, I had an email waiting for me.  He was 'writing with a heavy heart'.  He didn't know how we could move forward with all of these differences.  He wasn't sure if we could resolve our issues because I wasn't communicating openly (hadn't asked for permission for neural therapy).  He felt that he had a right over my body (because we were talking about eventually getting married), just as I had a right over his.  I disagreed.  He felt as though there was a growing distance between us and he didn't see it coming.

I was shocked.  In lots of pain.  And in complete shock.  I didn't sleep.  I didn't want to reply via email, rather wanted to talk.  He wasn't willing to fly to down to see me and I couldn't because of the surgery, so we were stuck with Skype.  And that's what we did.  We talked for three hours, trying to work through things. I sent him information on neural therapy to assure him it was perfectly safe.  I told him that if he had made a decision as I did, I would have supported him no matter what.  I would have trusted him.  That was the difference.  And I was working through it because I had made a promise to him that I would.  We both had a lot to think about and arranged to talk on skype the next evening.  He never showed.  I received a lame message four hours after our meeting time to say that he got caught up in something.  I had propped myself up on a couch, in complete pain, so that we could speak.  And I, stupidly, waited for four hours on that couch for him to show up on Skype.

I deserved better.  A LOT better.  And I told him that.  That was it.  We tried to reconcile things once more after that, but he made it clear that his "heart wasn't into it anymore".  One day madly in love with me and a week later, his heart wasn't into it.  I did deserve better.  SO MUCH BETTER.  And, I was going to find it.

Time to revamp that bio-data of mine!