Joe briefly showed up on Skype, after 5 months, yesterday. It was the first time I'd seen him online or really attempted any communication with him. It was a random chat - nothing fantastic. I didn't know whether or not to tell him that my mom had slightly, backhandedly, conceded. I mean, I was caught completely off-guard by her concession a week ago. I was finally figuring out ways to move on and forget about Joe and live my life again, then SMACK, Joe's back in the picture...
I found out from a mutual friend that he's well and happy. Things seem to be going well with his new girlfriend. Maybe it's what he needs - someone other than me. Who am I to break apart two people if they are happy? She affectionately calls him 'sweets'. It would be relatively cruel for me to just spring this onto him...no?
I don't know. The other side of it is that if I really want this, should I not say something? Is it not fair for me, for Joe to understand what really happened a year ago and where things are now? I always used to tell him 'wait til I'm 30 - my parents will be so worried that I'm not married that they'll come around', and that's pretty much what's happening...
After the recommendations of many friends, I finally told Joe what happened over the last week. I was nervous as heavens. He listened, and then apologized.
"I'm sorry, Anika, I'm really happy. She's the one for me and I'm going to marry her," he said.
"That's great," I replied, "I'm really happy for you, Joe."
We exchanged pleasantries about life and talked a bit. I finally asked when they would get married and he said that he was going to propose in the coming weeks. He had a ring and they hoped to get married in December.
I fought back tears for the rest of the conversation. We talked for nearly an hour. Our friendship would eventually survive. But my heart was broken. Shattered, in fact. I had been with the guy for nearly ten years and had grown with him - we'd become the people we were today because of each other. A year ago, he asked me if he should wait for me. I told him that I couldn't do that to him - it would be selfish of me to ask him. And so, I let him go, hoping that one day everything would be less complicated.
Well, it's definitely less complicated now. I had essentially helped him become who he was today and given him away to someone else...or that's at least how it felt.
He's happy and I'm truly happy for him (as tears roll down my cheeks). He was the best thing that happened to me - he taught me how to love, how to care, how to laugh. And, he taught me how to deal with life's funniest twists and turns, and how to face them all with dignity and grace. For that, I am eternally thankful.
Oh - I never really told anyone why I chose this blog url. I had one of the toughest days at work. I felt horrible, I'd had a bad day and things weren't looking good to get home anytime before 2am. I texted Joe. I was tired and cranky and had changed into sweats for the last part of my workday (10pm onwards). He told me that I would always be his 'babe' and princess. I felt further from being a princess than ever before, and I told him that. As usual, I was wearing Roots sweatpants, toe-socks and a hoodie. Appropriately, he texted back: "No matter where we are in this life together or apart, you will always be my princess toe-socks". The name stuck.
Chapter, sadly, closed.
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