It's my life...it's now or never...

Exactly a week ago, I found out that Joe was getting ready to propose to his girlfriend of a few months.  He  seemed really happy with his new life.

At first, I cried.  Crying, for me, is a rare occurrence.  I cried for the end of a crazy relationship between Joe and I.  I was really happy for him, but in some selfish way, I was sad for myself for having let this guy go.

Sadness disappeared and anger set in.  I couldn't even face my parents.  I was so angry at them.  How could they impose their views on me to this extent?  How could they not understand that you don't get married and then fall in love but that you marry the person you fall in love with...and that you can't help who you fall in love with!

And, I was mad at myself.  For allowing them to impose their views/values on me that I completely disagreed with; for not standing up for my own beliefs and values and fighting for what was true to me.  And, for not following my heart.  I had not lived up to my own expectations and standards over the last year and i was angry at myself for that.

With a few hours at the gym each day, I was able to let go of some of that.  The gym is my sanctuary - whether it's a long walk, a tough weights session or some power peddling, the gym is where my brain goes into overdrive, thinking about everything and sorting it out fairly efficiently.  I've spent a lot of time at the gym this past week.

I can't blame my parents.  They are who they are and they did what they thought was best for me.  I couldn't face them because the only thing I could've explained or said would have been "There.  Are you happy?  You can now sleep soundly at night as I won't be marrying a muslim guy anymore", and that would have been unfair.  It's not how I wanted to react with them and although some might argue that they deserve that, I disagreed.  They're my parents.

I know that being angry doesn't solve anything.  In fact, it makes things worse.  It's an emotion that I hate.  Thankfully, I've successfully channeled most of that energy into working out, and I will continue to do that.  My friends have been an amazing support network and I couldn't be a luckier person if I tried.

I had a dream last night - Joe and his sister were both with their respective partners and we were out somewhere in the wilderness.  Everyone was laughing and happy, it was great!  It was the first in the 11 years that I had known Joe where he and I weren't together in my dreams.  I was finally able to let go...just like magic!

Now, it's time to take back my life and live up to my own standards.  Pursue the career that I want to pursue.  Find a guy that I want to marry.  Live the dreams that I have for myself.  And not live by anyone else's expectations of me.  Then, and only then, I will find true happiness again.