nothing ventured, nothing gained...

As I have been traveling a lot lately, 'boy news' has been kept to a minimum... but there are some funny highlights, of course!

I eventually was able to reply to Vivek's email.  It was about ten days after he sent me his pictures that I wrote a generic non-picture-referencing email back to him.  It was only a few lines long (I was swamped and replying to about 50 overdue emails...plus, I had lost interest in him).  In turn, he replied with a full length email, even attaching his latest clips of music that he had created (and asking for my opinion)!  I have yet to craft a response back because I don't want to lie and say I loved the music (it was a background beat with a few notes overtop that repeated themselves every couple of bars).  I have never met this guy and yet have been asked (by him) to give an opinion on something he's spent a few days putting together?  I could write another email avoiding it all??  Or I could let it go for another few days and hope that my delay in responding is a hint? Or I could just fully admit that I wasn't a big fan and maybe soften it with 'it's not really my genre of music'?  Awkward situations that shouldn't even exist considering I've never actually met Vivek.......

On another note, Indian/South Asian speed dating has become a growing craze in the last while.  I've noticed that shaadi.com has been organizing a few and now another one has popped up (two mangoes)!  So, I signed up for my first South Asian speed dating with Two Mangoes... I have never speed dated in my life and am going for the experience (and likely a good laugh).

As I woke up this morning, I had an invite from a shaadi.com speed dating event that is happening on Wednesday (in two days)... well...nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

now what?

In my post 'desperation', I talk about the email setup to a guy who is barely my height.  In line with keeping an open mind and not trying to eliminate men from the potential dating pool because they are genetically deficient in the height gene, I continued to email him.

Vivek sounded interesting.  He seemed to also lack a general sense of geography, but otherwise, he seemed nice.  I was excited to see that, unlike many guys out there, he was using full words - 'you' instead of 'u' and 'want to' instead of 'wanna', etc.  It was a nice change.

I had spoken to soon.

Soon, the punctuation and capitalization of letters had been lost.  'You' became 'u'.  Sentences became linked with '...' rather than kept as separate sentences.

I would have to get over it and not be so ridiculous.  He'd admitted several times to being lazy, so I could just excuse the lack of proper English on his laziness.

And then I did the unthinkable.  I asked for a picture.  I should have learned from the past - you don't ask a guy that you have a decent email conversation with for his picture!  It never ever works out.  Either they are good looking and completely idiots, or they are able to somewhat carry an intellectual conversation and are just not your type!

I'll be quite honest - Vivek is not bad looking.  He's just not a guy that I would have taken a second glance at on the street!  It's nothing against him - he's just not my type...

Now what do I write back?  We've done the picture exchange and he liked my pictures.  How do I write back to him?  I know I'm vain to the point where I believe that there must be some physical attraction and I see none in Vivek.

I feel terrible and I'm torn on how to proceed...sigh... I guess I'll keep you posted!

Desperation?

It all started with an innocent picnic.  My mom went to the annual Lohana picnic and met someone there who had a friend who is single, so she asked him to send an introductory email.  No problem.  Although she forgot to tell me about the encounter until after I received the email, it was a kind gesture for her to think of me and get the ball rolling.  She assured me that she mentioned that he should be 'tall'...

Within the first email exchange, I discovered the this guy is not tall and is barely the same height as me...oops!

This morning, she comes into my room and says "Anika, can you please send me a copy of your bio-data so that is  your aunt needs it, I've got it?".
"But, mom, I don't have a bio-data anymore....", I reply.
"Then put one together so that I have it on-hand", she quickly and calmly replies.

Minutes later, she's back up the stairs and comes into my room again...this time, holding the most recent copy of the Times of India (Canadian version).

"You should check out some of these - there's a Gujurati boy who is 6'1"...might be worth sending your bio-data..."

I am tempted to ask her whether the bio-data she requested was really for my aunt or for the matrimonial ads in the paper, but I bite my tongue... has it really come to this - personal ads?

perspectives

Apologies for the delay - I was away climbing a mountain in Africa... my family was going to Africa anyway and I love climbing mountains, so why not!  Plus, for me, climbing (and conquering) mountains often puts my life back into perspective for me.  It gives me the time to reflect and forces me to think about and sort out all of the crap that I tend to put to the back burner... this trip was no exception.

I had a lot of time to think about Joe and I.  I missed him and, truth be told, he is the only person I could have imagined myself with on that mountain.  I couldn't understand why after all this time, all these battles, all the chaos and crazyness of it all, he walked away from it.  Then, I realized, he'd been walking away for a long time... in fact, I am not even sure if he was really ever even...'there'!  I don't mean to sound dismissive about the fact that he truly loved me, but I think he was always just as hesitant as I was about marriage together.  It's not that we didn't love each other (and I would argue that we still do), but there was always something amiss about it all...

I had no doubt that we loved each other - we shared an amazing chemistry (that I'm still not sure we'd find elsewhere)...but we fought it.  But, we both fought it...it was as if we didn't want to fully admit it was all there...

It took him almost 7.5 years to actually ask me to move forward seriously; when he did, it was over the phone, just two weeks after the most amazing weekend we had shared.  When we discussed moving forward, it was always about his job that couldn't be moved and the fact that I would have to move to Singapore and move my career prospects.  When I booked a trip to go to Singapore, he couldn't take a single day off from work to be with me...and that was in the midst of all the chaos of fighting with my parents!

As hesitant as I always was about fighting my parents about Joe, I think he was just as hesitant.  Not because we didn't love each other or think that we'd make a great couple, but for the simple reason of the amount of chaos that would ensue if we did fight for what we believed.  Perhaps we were both just wanting to avoid mayhem.  Or, as I've eluded to in the past, perhaps it was just never meant to be - our timing was always off.  We were always ready to fight when the other wasn't.  (Although, having just spoken to him for the first time in months (a week after posting this originally), somehow we ended up briefly discussing this and he still thinks that he 'was ready to anything it took to make it work'... all talk, no action???)

Many people I know (many good friends) always said that we'd end up together.  But, Joe is engaged and moving on and I am not one to break up a relationship and be that selfish.  He is happy and I will continue to move on and be happy, myself...

The biggest question that I could not answer... would I be able to see past my own barriers and fall in love again?  Hiking on that mountain, there wasn't a single Indian person there (and there were hundreds).  Was I being realistic to only look at/date Indian people?  Yes, it was important to me, but I had never actually imagined myself dating or kissing a white guy!  Could I?  Could I get past it in my own head to actually have an open enough mind to date someone other than who I had pictured myself with all these years?

Standing at the top of Africa's tallest mountain (and the world's largest free-standing mountain), it made me remember that there is soooo much more to life.   I am a small speck in the grand scheme of the universe...

I was incredibly lucky to have found my soulmate and to have shared ten incredible years with him.  He was only one person, though.  I am lucky to be surrounded by many people who love me and it's time to get back into the world of building relationships, meeting people and moving forward.

Interest Received

I received an email today informing me that I received an interest from a member on shaadi.com.  So, I log in and check out who it might be.

I click on the member's name.  There, in front of me, appears a picture of himself, cropped in front of the Superman logo!  Interesting.  Seeing as I'm not interested already and I'm exhausted (and therefore have no patience to read his profile), I go to click on 'decline interest'.  As I move my cursor towards the box to select my response, I see that he's actually written me a message.  'Hmm....., let's see what he has to say'...

How are you? How is life? My name is Sarik and what is your name? I am interested in getting to know u. My email is xxxxx@yahoo.ca. I own my own business, I am very successful and I am the CEO, Chief Executive Officer of my own company. I am confident that it is now the time where I am finally ready for shaadi with the right person. I guarantee that I can make my future wife happier than anyone can make her In the universe. I can give her the most exciting, adventurous, loving, caring, fun and amazing marriage. What do u do 4 work and fun?

May I kindly have your ph# so we can have a decent, innocent, friendly, intelligent , fun and interesting get to know conversation?

Sarik XxxxCEO, Chief Executive Officer
xxxxxxx Technologies
Website 1 (Business Website):http://www.xxxxxxxx
Website 2 (Online Resume): http://www.xxxxxxx
Contact#:123-345-2345
MSN Contact: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
facebook name is Superxxxxx Knight


I have to give him credit for his confidence!

A clear lack of commitment

I was coming back from week-long holiday and had a 24-hour stopover in Vancouver.  I decided to have a lazy morning when the phone rang.  Without looking, I picked up.

The guy on the other end introduced himself as Sanjay and mentioned that we'd exchanged messages on shaadi.com awhile back and that he was sorry he hadn't gotten in touch sooner.  He had been inundated with paperwork and work (he has his own company) and was only just seeing the light of day.

We chatted for about an hour in which he made it clear that he was ready to settle down and find a wife.  He had been groomed well by his married friends and women in his life to nod and smile and agree with women to 'keep the peace'.  I politely disagreed and thought it was great when men stood up for themselves (as women should) and that there was nothing wrong with having healthy discussions or debates.

The rest of the hour was similar - he knew what he wanted and he would do his best to find it but knew that there had to be a lot of compromise and admittance of being wrong (because he was the man and men are dumb, apparently).   Interesting.  Keeping an open mind, there was nothing I'd lose (besides my time) of meeting this guy in person.  Maybe he's just nervous because it's the first time we're talking.  So, let's see what this guy has to say when we meet!  The conversation was funny and we had a good laugy, so why not give it a chance.  We set up a time and off we went.

This evening, I had the opportunity to talk to him again.  I called to set up a time to meet tomorrow.  We got talking...rather, he did most of the talking.  He clearly doesn't take sarcasm well (he was completely open to that and admitted that he doesn't understand it), which made things interesting for me.

He claimed to be religious (Hindu), but ate meat of every kind?  While I agree religion can be interpreted in a variety of ways, eating beef was clearly against the religion.  But, I let it go and he continued "well, there's no point in being judgemental."  I agreed.  He decided to continue with very little prompting, "people can be religious...for example, Hindu, but I didn't say they couldn't be bad Hindus!"  Religious, but bad religious... interesting.

As he went on about himself and what he was looking for and who he wanted to marry, I had little to say except to agree.  He finally stopped talking to ask me what I was looking for.

"Um...well, I'm trying not to set expectations and to keep an open mind about everyone.  I meet people to find out who they are and what they're about and do my best to do that without preconceived notions so that I am being fair to the person.  If there is common ground and we get along, then great, we can pursue something.  But, if it's clear that we don't have anything in common, we can move on without disappointment".  The last thing I wanted to do was tell this guy exactly what I wanted and for him to try and fit that mould.  Until now, everything sounded like a business deal - the way he described his future partner and how things could work and how he "would know in one month whether or not she's the girl for me".  And, it's not that I was lying - it is genuinely what I'm trying to do (it's just easier said than done).

"Well, I'm looking for someone who is more committed than that," he says.

"Oh - I'm not sure where you see the lack of commitment," I reply.

"Well, someone who doesn't have set criteria isn't likely looking for someone long-term or to settle down...and I'm not really up for casual dating," he says.

"Well, I think it's best if you give everyone a fair chance and get to know them.  Only then will you discover the true person and see if it works or not.  Going in with a lot of preconceived notions may mean that you miss something (good or bad)...but, I don't think that makes me any less commited to finding someone and settling down - good luck in your search".

That was that.  At least my 'lack of commitment' saved me some precious time tomorrow evening! :)

Midnight chats...

After quite some time, I logged onto shaadi.com chat.  I clearly didn't know what was in store for me.  It was the first time in awhile that I allowed the automatic chat login to stay 'online' - it was around midnight and I didn't think anyone would be online at that time.  Wrong.

Six people were logged in.  That doesn't seem high, but when more than half are on your 'accepted member' list, it seems abnormal.  Figuring I had nothing to lose, I chatted with two of them.

The first is 35 and lives in the US.  He wasn't very talkative to begin with, and when he did engage, it was a job interview...ugh.  I disengage from the chat quickly and move on.

The second, is a bit younger, 32, and also lives in the US.  He was quite flirtatious - a characteristics that always gets my guard up on first encounter.  However, I pursue the chat.  He assumes that I am a typical girl who gets excited about shoes and shopping.  I explain that I am far from a 'normal' Indian girl.  He clearly liked that.  He went on to describe the opposite of 'normal' to be 'weird' and that the 'weirder the girl, the better', because he, himself, was far from normal.

Just as I'm about to smile at his last comment, the next message pops up and it has to do with 'dressing up' and playing 'make believe'. EWW!  Really?  We clearly have very different definitions of 'normal' and 'weird'!!  I haven't even met the guy!  I don't even know his real name!  Is this what people talk about on dating website chat platforms?!

I suddenly became tired and logged off.

I had a message waiting for me the next morning, asking for my phone number and that perhaps we could get to know each other more over the phone or via text?
No, thanks! :)

Star light, star bright....

So many friends of mine have compared Joe and I to Ross and Rachel from Friends.  I guess if you just look at the drama of it all, it's a fair comparison.  We all know the ending to Friends, though...

Joe is in Europe as I write.  He's proposing to his girlfriend sometime this or next week.  After he told me, it took me a week to get over the crazy emotions that consumed me, but then I let go, and I was excited for him.  Heck, I even gave him tips on where he could propose since he wasn't sure and I'd been to the countries he would be traveling to.  He was my best friend, afterall.  We had grown together for ten years and could complete each others thoughts and sentences.  I knew what he found romantic and how he would want to propose and I gave him a few options of where he could do that in the foreign land he'd set foot on.

When he told me that he planned to get married in December, I was excited at the prospect that I would actually get to see him when he got married.  Not the case.  He made it clear that I wouldn't be invited to the wedding.  Understandable, I guess.  We have a long history.  His girlfriend might not be very happy with it...and maybe I wouldn't be either.  Heck, I'm sure I wouldn't be.  So, it's understandable.

So, I feel like we've gone from 'Ross and Rachel' to 'My Best Friend's Wedding', except that (on most days), I don't want to break up his wedding.  As tough a pill as it was (and sometimes still is) for me to swallow, he moved on (just as I had asked him to).  He found happiness in someone else and I can't do anything but be extremely happy for him!  And, I am.  Anything else would be a waste of my own energy (and fairly selfish).  I would have loved to be there for him on his big day, though.

On days like today, I miss him.  Not as much the relationship side of things, but the friendship.  The comfort without words, the laughter and smiles of inside jokes and the knowledge that he's there if I decide to pick up the phone and say nothing at all...

Tonight, the stars on my ceiling will have to do... :)

Murphy's Law

I don't know if other women find this or not, but whenever you find an awesome profile online, the picture that eventually follows is more often than not of someone who you don't find attractive.  I'm not saying that they aren't attractive in general, it's me who isn't attracted to them.

I try to keep an open mind and not be vain as I hate it when people judge me by the way I look.  So, I meet with people, get to know them... but for me, when the personality and looks don't mesh to give me an attractive package, I can't say I'm the best at hiding it.

The guy who I promised to keep an open mind about (the one who emailed and said that his mom had asked him to email, etc - see 'Mamma's Boy'), I did.  As much I could, anyway.  I wasn't his biggest fan - not just from the emails, but from his pictures.  I didn't find him incredibly attractive but reminded myself that not everyone's pictures are the same.

I emailed him mid-afternoon as I happened to be downtown and asked if he wanted to grab a coffee later in the evening.  I hadn't expected to stay downtown and apologized for the last-minute notice.  He altered some plans with friends and agreed to meet up.  And, he was nice - friendly, kind, interested in learning about me.  But, I had no attraction to him.  None.  Through the entire conversation, I tried to imagine us in a picture together, and I couldn't.  Sadly, I probably didn't hide it well, either.  It was just his chubby lower cheeks that threw me off - they kept catching my attention and not in a good way (I had to make a continued effort to make eye contact and not be mesmerized by the cheeks!).

I thanked him for the cranberry/soda, dropped him home and wished him a goodnight.

I feel so vain.  But where is the balance between physical attraction and personality?  Should they not both go together, providing an attractive combination?

Return of the 'dude'

So...the guy who texted me and called me 'babe'?  I didn't reply to him.

That didn't stop him...  "Hey Stranger", he wrote.

"Stranger is far more acceptable that 'babe'!  How's it going?"

"Are you serious?", he asked.  "I'm on a cho cho train", he continued.

What 30-year old writes that to someone he is supposed to be impressing?  I was with a colleague at the time and couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud.   As we both headed to the gate to catch our flight home, I wrote back "I'm on the fly fly plane!"