Back to the online world...

So it's been a few months.  Okay, maybe more.  Life took over.  Work has been insane for the last 6 months and the project I was working on finally came to an end.  I then spent a month transitioning and recovering from total sleep deprivation! :)

There was a guy in Vancouver that I liked.  I've mentioned him before... Kumar (But what about the brother...).  To add to the Facebook stalking of Kumar, I decided to add him to LinkedIn.  When he saw the request, he wrote back:

Anika...apologies, but how do I know you? I don't quite remember. Thanks. 
Kumar

I thought I'd wait a few days before replying.  Inevitably, just over a week passed before I remembered to write back and then decided that there was no point in saying anything but the truth...  so after much debate over how to put things, I finally wrote:

Well... you don't actually know me.

My parents are on a crazy mission to set me up with everyone in the world (they care, that's all) so I thought I'd preempt their efforts by adding you here. We apparently have mutual connections, so I figured it was bound to happen at some point.

It's the least invasive option available...and I've never found harm in meeting new people. Anyway, hopefully you don't think this is too weird or awkward.

Hope life is treating you well on the west coast...
Anika

I held my breath.  I really didn't think he would reply at all.  I'm not really sure what I would've done being on the receiving end of that.  But, it was the best version of the truth I could give him and all I could do was wait.

To my surprise, he wrote back:

Ha!

Love the response. Thanks for reaching out and love the approach. I'm also always up for meeting new people...although, the web proves an interesting point for it.

You live in Toronto? Who do we mutually know?

Kumar

I was impressed that he replied, yet worried by his question.  I was sure that he already knew that I'd been set up with his brother.  What was I supposed to say "actually, we mutually know your brother...it's who I was set up with first, but I liked you better, therefore randomly added you to LinkedIn in hopes you that wouldn't think it was too weird and that we'd hit it off..." Ya.....no.  But, he was going to find out one way or another...so, replied a week later with:

So... I did a little digging at home and it turns out I was set up with your brother back in November. Too funny - gotta love parents!

I think our dads met around Diwali last year at a fundraiser (for seniors?), but the connection was through mutual friends.

Well... in the interest of meeting new people, if you're up for grabbing coffee, I'm in Vancouver a few times through June. Or, I'm doing the Ground Grind with a group of hotel & restaurant owners/executives as well as people from GE capital, if you are interested in a physically challenging networking opportunity for charity. :)

cheers
a

And that was the end of communication.  

Well.... I had nothing to lose.  Can't say that I didn't put myself out there or didn't make an effort... it's too bad, but at the same time, I didn't know very much about him; I was just going on a hunch.

After forwarded profiles from my mom (including one with her added comment of "He looks HOT!"), I decided to cave and rejoin the online world, despite previous failures.  eHarmony it is.  And this time, I think I'll try "Just Lunch", too...

If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some decent stories to share! ;)

A Date!! How's that work again?

Harry continued to text me through the weekend and called me on Monday - he was in the area and wanted to see if I could grab an early dinner.  Unfortunately, I couldn't, so he asked if we could grab a drink later in the week.

So, the date was set.  I didn't know what to think - I was trying to keep an open mind about this guy.  He made it clear that he didn't date 'brown girls', but then again, I hadn't been on an actual date in years.  I didn't really know how to date and it was kind of nice being courted, even if it was a bit cheesy and via text.

I rearranged my schedule so that I could make it.  But, half-way through the day, I received a text saying "Hey, I'm sorry, but I have a conference call with India at 9pm so can only stay out for about an hour and I don't want you to reschedule your evening, so maybe we can reschedule for Sunday".

Darn.  Okay, I understand work stuff, no big deal.  So, I let him know that it was fine and that rescheduling was not a problem.

Have I heard from him since? No. Has he actually rescheduled the date? Nope...

Well, I guess that solves the 'dating a Christian guy who doesn't date brown girls' dilemma! :)

A Night Out

After quite awhile, I went out to a bar last week.  Lately, things have been too busy or I've just had friends over to my house. But, last week, I was invited out to a friend's girlfriend's 30th birthday party.  I had nothing to lose and thought I'd drop by for an hour.  

Within twenty minutes, I had a guy chat me up while he waited to order a drink.  Another half hour later, another young man named Harry came up to me and started talking to me.  He was out, taking his 19-year old cousin out for the first time.  So, he was driving and couldn't drink.  Harry explained that if he were caught drinking and driving, he'd lose his job as he was driving the company car.  (I did tell him that he shouldn't drink and drive, period, but he ignored that comment and shifted the conversation). 

Harry tried to guess what my background was - he couldn't figure it out as I look white and yet have an Indian name.  Once I told him thatI I was Indian, he stressed a few times that he didn't do the "brown thing", attend "brown events" or date "brown girls" (he was from Goa).  But, why did he continue talking to me then?  Regardless, for the first time in a very long time at a bar, if not ever, I gave him my phone number.  Harry told me that he had just sold his house and wasn't sure where he would move to.  His condo at Front and Spadina was being rented and moving back in would mean "partying every night of the week".

My friend soon came over to see if I needed to be rescued, and it scared Harry, who retreated back to his own group of friends.  My friend decided to smooth things over and make it clear that we weren't together, rather was only checking up on me, and Harry texted me throughout the night as we mingled with our own groups of friends.

It was nice to be pursued...even if just for a night.  Who knew if this will go anywhere.

Best parental setup in 10 years...and I actually liked him.

I have to admit, my parents actually found a good one.  My dad, more specifically.

He was at a charitable function when he spotted two young men.  My dad felt that they looked interesting, and inquired about the older one.  Turned out he was divorced but his younger brother (the second young man my dad was eyeing) was available.  (having seen a picture of both on Facebook, I was partial to the older brother, but it was really 6 one way, half a dozen the other)

I was finally set up with someone who I actually thought "now here's a guy I could get along well with"!

He was into the outdoors, he read real books (as opposed to many who I have met who consider Sports Illustrated a book), he was successful, smart, funny... he seems to just love life!  Bonus, he's 6'2"!!

Rishi wrote the first email.  It was a general 'first email' introduction, except I sensed some level of excitement or genuineness in it, which was a change from most introductory emails I had received.  Intrigued, I replied.  Within a few emails, we had briefly touched on the fact that both of us had lived abroad, traveled extensively, had similar values in staying healthy and keeping fit, and intellectual stimulation.  It was a really nice change from everyone I had been set up with to date...by far the best parental setup I'd had in ten years.

Clearly, I went wrong somewhere.  I'm not sure if it's because I probably came off as too keen, replying to his emails (and everyone else's for that matter) within 24 hours (new resolution that quickly failed) or because I ended one our last 'real' emails (real meaning that it was more than three lines long) with

"I have to admit, that you are the first Indian person that I have met who is into the outdoors, plays sports, reads, travels and lives abroad - all of those experiences/interests are relatively normal in my books...just not for an Indian person!!"

Hmm.  I was being honest - the majority of Indian people I'd met didn't do most of the things I did, hence the difficulty in finding the right suitor.  This was a first, and perhaps I scared him away with the reality, because that's when the emails died down.

I don't know if it's what I said, or if he just became really busy after that, or just jumped to the random conclusion that by me being open with my observation, I wanted to get married the next day, which meant he was scared off.  

Who knows.  He went quiet for awhile - at best, I received one or two line responses to emails (if anything at all).  I backed away yet hoped for the best.

Normally, I would move on and say "his loss", but I actually, finally, liked this guy.  Besides his lack of communication, there was really nothing I could see. I admired that he went off the beaten path and traveled, worked abroad and does things away from the cultural norm.  Needless to say, I was a bit gutted by his lack of interest.

After the excitement of actually finally liking someone who had so much of what I look for, it was a very hard pill to swallow - he just wasn't that into me.

Sigh.

The haunts of shaadi.com

I thought I had finally escaped the world of shaadi.com.  I didn't renew my subscription, I deleted my profile, blocked it from sending me emails and had pretty much forgotten all about it.

Until I received 15 emails, all forwarded from my mom with 'new matches' from the site!  Now, those of you who are from a similar (or any immigrant) background will understand a parent's concern and worry for their child being unwed at such a late stage in life (I'm 29).  To her dismay, I gave up on online dating sites a couple of months ago (see Premium Membership Expired), so I guess she felt the need to take it upon herself to create a profile and find me some matches!

Bless her heart for caring so much that she takes the time to do this on a regular basis, but unbeknownst to her, her timing couldn't have been worse.

The first time I realized that she had created a profile was when she forward to me not one, not five but FIFTEEN emails in one morning with potential suitors.  It happened to be the morning after Joe got married. Oops.

By that afternoon, I had another four in my inbox. I was not happy, and I did my best to hide it.  She was only trying to help and this was the only way she knew how; I would find the right moment to talk to her about it.  She was apologetic to me that she couldn't find further details of these boys because she hadn't created a full profile (sure, sure).  I let it go for another few days before I finally replied to one of the profiles and said:

"mom -

I have been set up through shaadi with most of these guys that you are sending me.  I'm not interested in them or they really do turn out to be creepy - I've met quite a few.  I left shaadi.com after 5-6 years because there were really odd people on the site...

Please don't worry, I will find someone when the time is right. NASEEB! :)"

(Naseeb = luck/chance/fate)

She replied with "ok" and that was the end of shaadi.com.... ... ... until this morning when she pulled up another profile and said "Anika, take a look at this one...looks like a nice match".

Sigh... looks like shaadi.com will haunt me for some time to come!

A New Year, A New.....Date?!

I have been absent from the blogging world and for that I apologize.  Life got ahead of me and I hid under the rocks of crazy work hours and avoided much of my personal life.  But, I'm back!

I had a read through my blog not too long ago and wondered, "why is it that all of these men like me, fall in love with me, or just want to date me, yet I have no interest in them?  What is wrong with me?"

I had no answers.  I had done my best to let go of past relationships and emotional trauma and thought I was doing well.  I immersed myself into my work and distanced myself from most of my friends for almost a year...some of which were for good reason and others not so much.  I no longer wanted to admit to the world that I was still not over Joe because I felt that the world had heard enough about Joe.  It was time to move on.  But why couldn't I?

Even today, I still think about him a lot.  He got married over the holidays and although I stayed away from the GTA (I had a massively coincidental work reason not to be around and I took full advantage), it was hard to do anything but feel numb over the days when I knew our mutual friends were together celebrating his next chapter. I was happy that he had found someone and was settling down. I was sad that that someone was not me. I was happy that he was happy. I was sad that I was not?  I didn't know.  I just felt numb.  It probably didn't help matters that the morning after the wedding, I awoke to 15 emails from my mom with potential suitors from shaadi.com!  I wish I was joking!  There was annoyance, not because of the emails and the impeccable timing of sending them, but that it felt like she'd completely just forgotten about the entire 'Joe situation'.  But, there was no point in being upset about it...and I was still feeling pretty numb.

With the new year, I decided that it was time for a new me.  Back to my social life, back to being my happy self and being out in the world...and back to the dating scene. No more hiding and no more excuses.  No more looking for faults in guys and no more nitpicking.  Can I do it?!  I hope so!!

an 'innocent' text message

For Diwali/New Years, I sent out a text to all of my family/friends, wishing them a Happy Diwali/New Year.  I was trying to be smart about the entire thing and didn't want people to realize that I was sending out a mass text.

As a result, I sent out a text that was generic, but signed "Love you!".  Without thinking, I ended up sending it not only family and friends, but Carl and Steve (if you don't remember Steve, see 'The Bed').  Steve knows me well enough to know that I probably sent a mass text out.  Carl, on the other hand, does not.

And so the reply came, Happy Diwali to you and your family, too! xoxoxoxo

So much for telling Carl I just want to be friends!!  #planfail.

Bowling with Carl.... 'bowling with Carl!'

Carl ended up being my only mutual match from the night that I cared to follow up with.  There was one other, who I ended up giving a ride home to as he lived five minutes away.  But the 30-minute drive home was enough of a follow up to let us both know that things wouldn't have gotten very far.

I was nicely surprised by Carl's timely follow up of wanting to meet again.  He offered several fun suggestions for a date.  I appreciated his effort and originality...in my head, it was how guys were supposed to act, but very few actually did.  He made the effort; he pursued.  It was a nice change.

One of Carl's suggestions was bowling.  He was charming, lovely, kind and quite the bowler!  However, I didn't really have an attraction to him.  Over a late dinner after bowling, we discussed our backgrounds and interests and Carl is a very laid back person.  I felt that any spark that could've been was being lost during our discussion.  And there was absolutely nothing wrong with him; our personalities were just different.  While we could be good friends, I didn't see any future potential in a relationship with him.

We met up once more for a movie, but still no spark for me.  Plus, it didn't help that I still had Talking Carl stuck in my head!!  I'd have to figure out how to tell him that I just wanted to be friends...

Premium Membership Expired

It's official.  My shaadi.com premium membership has expired.... again.  This time, however, I am not going to renew it.  In the last number of years, I have found a reason to pay the stupid subscription fee in order to 'communicate' with other members...it's usually been my own coaxing 'maybe if I just stick it out I'll find someone', or whether some guy has actually caught my attention and I feel the need to pay the ridiculous amount just to send him a message.

Well, no more.

I've met enough creepy guys on shaadi.com and not enough fabulous boys on eHarmony to finally give the online dating scene the curb-side checkout!  It's quick and easy, but for me, not very effective.  I may one day come back to it, but for now, I am happy to bid the online world adieu and see what the real world has to offer! :)

Speed Dating

I ended up at not just one, but two speed dating events last week.  The first was a Hindu Speed Dating event promoted by shaadi.com.

As usual, I was cutting it close in terms of timing.  I had a squash match at 5pm (in Mississauga) and Speed Dating started at 730pm, in Little Italy, about 45 minutes away.  By the time I played and showered, I had exactly 48 minutes to get there and find parking.  I didn't account for construction through downtown, which meant that I arrived about 10 minutes late.  Oops!  Thankfully, they hadn't started yet!

I had no clue what to expect.  I had always heard about speed dating and imagined sitting across from 14 guys, having the same, repeated conversation separated by the sound of desk bell.  Ping!  Well, that's pretty much exactly what it was...except for the repeated conversation.

I was actually surprised to find that I ended up having at least 10 unique conversations where everyone tried to ask something different.  Okay, the basics were repeated, but either I, or the person sitting across from me, was able to steer the conversation in a new, unchartered direction.

We had eight minutes to learn more about the other person.  It was advised that we keep notes so that we could remember everyone at the end.  This didn't prove necessary as I met some pretty interesting characters.

The first 'date' I had was with a guy who was 31 and lived in the city.  He was new to speed dating as was I.  Small talk for the first four minutes, but then he asked "so, what are you supposed to ask the other person during the eight minutes?".  I wasn't sure what to answer so fumbled a bit as he chimed in and said "well, I googled it before I came and now have a list of questions we can go through".  Intrigued, I asked what he had found.  He took his phone out from his pocked and showed me the google search results!

The eight date was with a fairly inebriated man who quickly determined that I am Gujarati.  "So, what do Guju's look for?", he asked.  It required a lot of composure on my part not to answer "someone who isn't completely drunk at speed dating!".

Then, I met Carl.  He was my last date.  I had only one person I was interested in up until that point, and while I was quite amused by the people I had met, I was slightly disappointed with the overall result of the evening.  Carl seemed like a nice guy but for anyone who has heard of the iPhone app "Talking Carl", it's all I could think of.  Unfortunately, Talking Carl was all I could think about.  Everytime Carl would say something, the higher pitched echo would ring through my head.  It was slightly amusing to me and highly unfair to the person sitting across from me.

I decided to give Carl a second chance (and hopefully allow for my maturity to kick in) and ticked 'yes'.

Unfortunately, the second speed dating event was a complete flop with many of the guys quite a few years younger than me.